Horror Movie Football Team

Office

Head Coach - Lex Luthor (Superman Comics - 1940)

Lex is obsessed with stats and chooses the best play in every scenario. He did spend five years analyzing every possible play and formation, creating hundreds of prepared moves for his team to execute on command. Perhaps you could stop him if you had a 6’4” Kryptonian…

Offensive Coordinator - Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs - 1991)

Runs a meat grinder offense.

Defensive Coordinator - Pennywise (IT - 2017)

Pennywise would be a terrifying defensive coordinator, able to deceive opponents and manipulate them with fear. Even if he loses, he’ll come back to get you in 27 years.

Nutritionist - The Stuy Cannibal Librarian

His meals contain a lot of protein, which will keep the team big and well-conditioned.

Offense

Quarterback - The Invisible Man (The Invisible Man - 1933)

The Invisible Man is a master of misdirection. Being invisible would make him pretty hard to tackle, allowing him to move around in the pocket or scramble without being seen.

Running Back - Chucky (Child’s Play - 1988)

Boasting a low center of gravity, Chucky is full of rage and difficult to tackle—think Cam Skattebo. He’s also an incredible ragebaiter, and half of his carries are him trash-talking the other team.

Fullback - Michael Myers (Halloween - 1978)

The ideal fullback is relentless and never stops until the play is over—a perfect position for Michael Myers, who silently follows victims with silent, terrifying determination.

Wide Receiver - Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street - 1984)

He moves so quickly it almost feels like you’re in a dream. Anyway, even if you tackle him, he can just stiff-arm you with his claws. You might just call him a nightmare on the field.

Wide Receiver - Slenderman (Slender Man - 2018)

He’s tall, lanky, and teleports when you try to tackle him. He might be playing the wrong sport.

Tight End - Bigfoot (The Legend of Boggy Creek - 1972)

Aside from being able to plow through defenders easily, despite standing at 6’10” and over 500 pounds, Bigfoot is surprisingly agile, as he’s (probably) never been seen by anyone.

Left Offensive Tackle - Godzilla (Godzilla - 1954)

It’s safe to say no one’s getting past him. Thankfully for the team, there’s no size restriction in the NFL (although they might have to make one if they see Godzilla get off the bus, if he even fits).

Left Guard - Marshmallow Man (Ghostbusters - 1984)

Anyone who tries to get past him is just gonna get absorbed into his belly.

Center - Bane (The Dark Knight Rises - 2012)

His snap count would be funny to hear, and it would definitely terrify the other team. He packs a lot of aura and gives protection to the silent, yet deadly Chucky.

Right Guard - The Thing (The Thing - 1982)

The Thing is unpredictable as well as a literal monster able to morph its limbs to block multiple defenders at once, creating chaos at the line of scrimmage.

Right Offensive Tackle - Frankenstein’s Monster (Frankenstein - 1931)

Standing at 8 feet tall with a massive frame, Frankenstein’s Monster dominates the field and mows down any defender in the way, clearing a path for Chucky to run every time.

Defense

Middle Linebacker - King Kong (King Kong - 1933)

There’s no way to get through him. Bro beats his chest before every play. Opposing teams often bring tranquilizers to try to stop him.

Outside Linebacker - Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - 1974)

Linebackers are always a little crazy, and he wears masks made out of skin—you get the idea.

Outside Linebacker - The Joker (Batman Comics - 1940)

He’s also pretty crazy and definitely would be laughing when he tackles you.

Cornerback - Ghostface (Scream - 1996)

He can stalk the opposing wide receivers and is excellent at forcing fumbles because he kind of just appears out of nowhere.

Cornerback - Dracula (Dracula - 1931)

Dracula can drain the other team’s energy and is actually pretty athletic, especially since he can fly. The only problem is that he can’t play in daylight games.

Strong Safety - Jason Vorhees (Friday the 13th - 1980)

Jason is all about stalking and pursuing his targets, letting nobody get past him to the end zone.

Free Safety - The Boogeyman (The Boogey Man - 1980)

The Boogeyman hides in the shadows, lurking in the background and making the other team feel like they are always being watched.

Left Defensive End - Dexter Morgan (Dexter - 2006)

Morgan is analytical and can execute tackles with surgical precision. He’s really quiet, but he’s intelligent and can predict any play.

Left Defensive Tackle - The Creeper (Jeepers Creepers - 2001)

He has a crazy wingspan, and he’s pretty big. The only thing to worry about is him eating the QB.

Right Defensive Tackle - Oogie Boogie (The Nightmare Before Christmas - 1993)

His name is funny and he’s pretty big. He always trash-talks the O-line, but he kind of smells bad, so he has to change in a different locker room.

Right Defensive End - Sid (Toy Story - 1995)

He’s the kind of kid who bites the other team for fun. He’d probably draw a lot of penalties, but it’s fine. Leads the league in unnecessary roughness calls.

Special

Kicker - Patrick Bateman (American Psycho - 2000)

He’s a perfectionist who’s obsessed with every detail. We doubt he’d ever miss a kick, and if he did, it would never happen again.

Punter - Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice - 1988)

Beetlejuice’s chaotic and unpredictable nature would give bizarre spins and odd angles to his kicks, confusing the other team.

Kick Returner - The Werewolf (An American Werewolf in London - 1981)

Werewolves are known for their supernatural speed, strength, and agility, which would make this one probably be able to score a few 95-yard touchdowns.

Punt Returner - Coraline (Coraline - 2009)

She’s quick and unpredictable, so the opponents won’t know where she’ll go next.