How to Be a Cool Freshman

In honor of our anticipated return to school in the fall, we upperclassmen want to share our time-tested tips to help our dear underclassmen truly succeed at Stuy. These will also make you appear extremely cool to your peers and might get you several secret admirers. We know that Stuyvesant can be a terrifying place, with scary seniors chugging coffee at 8:00 a.m. and juniors summoning demons in the fifth floor bathroom. Rest assured that as caring, loving upperclassmen, we strive to help you find your way around school.

First, the basics. You have to carry all your textbooks in an extra large bookbag, preferably a rolling one (lockers are for losers). Any back pain is a sign of a successful day. Wheely bookbags are extremely trendy and practical. Crowds of upperclassmen will part in front of you because of how cool you are (not because they’re scared of getting their toes run over).

Not many are aware of this information, but after several riots by PSAL athletes requesting gym physical education (PE) frees, the administration signed a piece of legislation known as the Compelling Compromise of 2021. As a result, PE is worth 50 percent of a student’s overall average. This compromise merely represents the common will of Stuyvesant students, as gym physical education has always been the most important class in the average student’s eyes. Most students run up the stairs rather than take the escalators. The more advanced students scale the building utilizing techniques they learned in AP Muscle Building or Honors Yoga and crawl into classrooms from their windows.

There are several things you need to know to get the highest grade possible in your PE classes. Deodorant is a social blunder at Stuy. In a STEM focused school, we aim to be as close to nature as possible. If you truly want to succeed, wear your PE uniform to school everyday since you never know when your teacher might schedule an extra credit PE session. Stuyvesant has its own fashion rules, so the weirdly sized shirt and extra baggy shorts are considered the pinnacle of style.

Here at Stuyvesant, we actually have several locations perfect for taking cute pictures, one of which is the Senior Atrium. Despite the name, the atrium behind the escalators on the second floor has nothing to do with seniors. It is, however, a very cute spot to take pictures. We recommend going there during one of your frees and loudly saying, “This FRESHMAN Comp. essay was so easy, I’ll definitely get into H*rvard at this rate!” as you make your way in. The best time to do this act is after April 6, which is the day seniors finally graduate! Your comments will remind them of the good college days ahead. Don’t worry about the upperclassmen glaring at you, they’re just admiring your intelligence.

Still studying in the library? LAME. What you should be doing as a true alpha is studying in the Hudson staircase. Not only is this a quiet place where you don’t have to worry about how ugly you look when you’re slouching over your geometry homework, but you are also safe (for the most part) from the Art Appreciation teacher hunting you down for your Met project. Granted, you might encounter some seniors harmonizing in a series of moans, but do not worry, they are just practicing for the upcoming human knot competition! You might also encounter the local student entrepreneurs conducting trades of flour. The hustle here at Stuy is very real as top quality flour is important if you want to get a good grade on your AP Cooking Appreciation final.

Now this is top secret information, but Stuyvesant actually has an 11th floor pool with a mini-bar where seniors spend their days. Unfortunately, the area is off-limits as the stairs leading up to the 11th floor are always locked up. However, we’re here to help you get into Stuyvesant’s very own paradise. The key to the pool is in room 123 where you will likely be met by Mr. Moran, who is in charge of Prom planning (he loves to take selfies, and we highly suggest you ask for one to get on his good side). Just take out your phone and log into your Talos account so that he knows you go to Stuyvesant, and he will immediately give you the key. Now instead of loitering around the halls during free periods, you can enjoy a fun pool party with unlimited coffee, test answers, boba, and several water slides.

If you keep all these tips in mind, you are bound to succeed and be the coolest freshman in the grade!