How to Fall in Love in October

Hello, Stuy students! As the months get colder and the delightfully familiar feeling of burnout starts to set in, I know we all feel as if we are missing something. Maybe it’s that weird feeling of comfort that warms you from within when Principal Yu says good morning to you on the bridge, or the flutter of emotion you get when you brush hands with another student reaching for the same copy of “Sigma Male Mentality” on the library shelf. Do you sense it in the air? Yes, ‘tis the season for you to realize the extent of your own loneliness. It’s time to fall in love in October.

But if you’re not exactly sure how to do that, because you spent all your formative years (that should’ve been dedicated to crushes) playing Cool Math Games, don’t worry. In this article, we’ll show you all the tips and tricks you’ll need to find your true love before this month is over.

Tip #1: Know what is sure to attract a mate. First, you want to increase your natural pheromones, so try to avoid showering for as long as you can to really buff up that natural scent. If needed, you can even try rolling around in the locker rooms. Ladies and gentlemen love that stank. Another big help for a romantic ambience is the background. Play some music, preferably something that nobody can resist. We recommend the playlist Best of Weezer, as well as just browsing r/EdSheeran. Another solid choice is the Hannah Montana theme song; blasting it from your rolling backpack will surely make you utterly irresistible.

Tip #2: Use the Stuyvesant online dating app Hudson Hooked, which was created by an alumnus in 2003. No need for Tinder—the underground application for Hudson Hooked makes it much easier to get dates. You simply input your free periods, GPA, and credit card information, and Hudson Hooked will set you up with a member of your preferred sex in a registered time and place at Stuyvesant. The reviews are good, albeit some one-star reviews complaining that the users are mostly freshmen. Nowadays, it seems to be used more as a tutoring service rather than the aforementioned dating app, but at least it’s working out for some.

Tip #3: Join Spec Humor. There is nothing more attractive in a person than if they write for the Humor department of The Stuyvesant Spectator. Everyone here is an incarnation of god and we all get dozens of pleas and marriage proposals daily. If you join Humor, you will have people grabbing onto your ankles, begging you to date them.

Tip #4: Ask all your teachers for advice! More often than not, they will definitely want to share the details of their personal life with you. We hear from a little birdie that Moran gives the best tricks to students. He’s even known to help students put up posters around the school advertising their dateable traits. Feel free to rip down posters for “important clubs” to paste a gigantic photo of your face on the wall, complete with your phone number. I mean, someone’s bound to take the chance.

Tip #5: Make sure to use the best pickup lines. We interviewed countless students, and these were the most successful one-liners that made them swoon. “Are you the impostor? ‘Cause you killed me, girl.” (Extra points for the Among Us reference.) “You must be from Tennessee, ‘cause 38.89795622, -77.03682560.” “If I had a dime for every time I thought you were beautiful, I’d have four cents.” “I’d like to meet your mother, to ask for her permission to date you. Oh wait, no. Actually, I’d rather date your mother.”

And there you go! With these five tips and tricks, you’re bound to be making out on top of the sophomore bar or blocking the escalators with your hand-holding in absolutely no time! And of course, remember to always neglect your schoolwork and other personal obligations in the pursuit of teenage infatuation. True love only comes once, but your grandma's funeral can always be rescheduled.