How To Hunt Freshmen: The Beginner’s Guide

So you’ve stumbled across this guide. I’m guessing what led you to this sacred text is your hatred for the freshman race. A hatred so strong that you wish to deal with them yourself. Well, you’ve come to the right place. Have you ever heard of the term “freshie hunter”?

Some of you believe it to be a crude joke or a myth, but the profession is all too true. I, the author of this guide, come from a long line of freshie hunters. But it seems as though I’m reaching an age where continuing to hunt freshies may land me in a grown-up jail, so I must pass down the secrets of this sacred art to the next generation.

I’ll be honest. Not all of you who read this will become professional freshie hunters. Some of you will crack under pressure, others may fall victim to a freshie’s charm, and some may become so immersed in the freshie world that they will forget who they once were. But for the rest of you, reading this will allow you to truly unlock your inner huntsman and join us in the chaotic realm of freshie hunting.

Study Guides Are a Way to a Freshman’s Heart

Study guides are something freshmen just cannot resist. It’s wise to make a Facebook post claiming that you’re giving away some free study guides for freshman courses, and you’re bound to draw some nerds to the nest. Select a meeting spot in the school that isn’t all too crowded (I suggest the North staircase connecting to the first floor) where you can deal with the freshies however you please.

One of my colleagues has become known as the Freshie Queen. She lures in overacheiving freshmen with promises of study guides and then hunts them down to make them her slaves for a semester. When a new semester starts, she gets rid of them and finds a new pair of freshies to do her bidding.

Beware of the Clan that Shoots for the Ground Instead of the Stars

In the freshie hunting business, there is a group known as the Oompa Loompa Clan. The clan is one composed of the vertically challenged, but this is an evolutionary advantage for them as they’re able to disguise themselves among freshman crowds and sequester off portions of freshmen to capture. Some naive freshmen fall for this ruse and become victims of the Oompa Loompa Clan—forced to buy coffee and Whole Foods cookies for the clan members for the rest of their high school career.

Personally, I was never a part of the Oompa Loompa Clan because I’m not vertically challenged. Just for your information, 5’6” is not short. It’s a perfectly average height, and my doctors say I’m still growing.

The Big Sib Program is Just a Front for the Cruelest Freshie Hunters

The Big Sib program is portrayed as a group of upperclassmen helping the naive underclassmen adapt to the new high school environment. However, that’s all a front for the sinister freshie hunting gold mine it truly is.

These freshie hunters are some of the most duplicitous people known to the community—they act all kind to the Little Sibs but are secretly plotting how they will capture them.

Something to keep in mind: the Big Sibs are also considered royalty in the freshie hunter world. Anyone who dares to cross them is never heard from again. It happened to my buddy Eric once.

Now that you know some of the inner workings of the Freshie Hunter business, I wish you luck on your new business venture. One piece of advice from a veteran: never hunt too many at once, or you’ll draw too much attention to not only yourself but also your colleagues. It’s best to let the population recuperate once every now and then. Good luck, newbie, and Godspeed!