How to Make Your Voice Heard (When You’re a Minor)

It’s election season, and that means we’re screwed! While many Stuyvesant students (rightfully) have opinions about how our nation should be run for the next four years, almost all of us face the very inconvenient fact that we will be under the age of 18 on Election Day. This predicament means that we will not be able to have a direct say in the corrupt affairs of our government. Indeed, it is quite frustrating. Of course, there are still ways to make your voice heard even if you are unable to vote. We here at The Stuyvesant Spectator have decided that we will assist the young students of our school in channeling their voices (at least for their college applications).

Method 1: Use social media to spread your message. This is probably the easiest way to make your voice heard when you are unable to vote. Inform people about the causes that you feel most passionate about! Don’t worry about how other netizens will react. After all, it should be common knowledge that the Internet is a place where everyone is polite and truthful about everything!

Method 2: Volunteer for a political campaign. By volunteering for a political party, you can help influence the election and make your voice heard. It doesn’t even have to be approved by the campaign! In fact, steal a truck from the campaign office and drive it chaotically along the West Side Highway with an otamatone in one hand and a megaphone in the other, screaming about how everyone around you needs to vote for a specific person or cause! Boom! Your influence has been spread.

Method 3: Put your AP Computer Science skills to work! Pretty much all elections are done using computerized voting machines. When you think about it, they’re all basically glorified Google Forms. Therefore, it should be a breeze to hack into them and get your vote in—even if it is by unsavory means. Alright, I have no CS experience whatsoever, but it can’t be that hard, right? We’re big-brain Stuy kids! You don’t even need any fancy hacking equipment. All you need to do is hook up your laptop to the voting machines somehow, and voila! You’re inside the election, and you can make your voice as loud as you want it to be.

Method 4: You’re never too young to make a bold political statement through assassination. Sure, it may seem daunting, especially with all of those Secret Service agents standing around your target, but it’s nothing a rifle shot or a Molotov cocktail can’t get around! Heck, use the element of surprise and run at your mark with a large sword. They’ll never see it coming. And when you are being dogpiled by multiple well-trained bodyguards, you will feel the sweet elation of having made your voice heard at such a young age, especially when you appear on the news afterward.

Method 5: Make Spectator Humor Editor Oliver Stewart vote for you. Otherwise known as Olly, he will turn 18 on Election Day, meaning that he will be able to vote. Therefore, if you want to make a direct impact on the election, hold him at knifepoint and tell him that if he doesn’t vote for who you want, you will destroy everything that he loves. To prove that you won’t hesitate, immediately follow up with cutting up and eating a copy of The Spectator while he watches helplessly.

And there you have it: five foolproof ways to make your voice heard, even when you are legally a minor in the United States, and therefore, cannot vote. Remember: there is no such thing as being uninvolved in politics. And by that, I mean that if you don’t care about politics, then I will use you as a human shield for when I use Method 4.