How to Maximize Your Candy Haul

It’s Spooktober, and you know what that means: trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat, not too big, not too small, just the size of Montreal. Here’s your all-inclusive, universal, timeless guide to maximizing your candy haul this Halloween!

What to Wear:

-The most expensive three-piece suit you can find. Don’t worry if you have to max out all of your parents’ credit cards; it’s worth it. Why buy a college education when you can look like you have one?
-A ski mask with three holes cut out. You know, because it’s gonna be chilly. A hockey mask works too.
-Dirty, disgusting gym clothes, especially if they’re sporting mold. Don’t actually wear them; you don’t want to be mistaken for a freshman.

What to Do:

1. When you get to your first house, make sure that your ski mask is over your head and that you’ve practiced your oh-so-fake, but oh-so-charming politician’s smile.
2. Ring the doorbell and when the owners come out with a big plate of candy, wave your gym clothes right in front of their noses and threaten to hit them with it if they don’t give you all their candy. Carry a sign so you won’t have to hold your breath and talk at the same time.
3. Profit! You might want to store your newly acquired candy in a stainless steel, nuclear bomb-proof, heat-resistant briefcase or… oh, what the heck, just lug a freshman backpack around. Wouldn’t want your clothes to stink up your dough.
4. Move on to the next house and repeat. Any house with a plate of candy out front with a sign telling you “Please take one” is clearly a sting operation. They probably have the mystical “FBI Van #5” Wi-Fi network installed in their garage. Avoid those at all costs.
5. Once you get home with your haul, check out Jonathan’s other article, “Leggo with Legos” to find out how to protect it! (Alternatively, distract your parents with your latest and not-so-greatest report card.)

We here at The Spectatorwish you the best of luck on Thursday, October 31. Wait, did Jonathan say it was a Thursday? *confused screaming* Why can’t Halloween fall on a Friday?! How am I supposed to go trick-or-treating when I have homework and a million essays to write? AARGH!!!