How to Spread Christmas Cheer

Stuyvesant students are a sad lot—there’s no denying it. We spend so much of our time fussing about exams, grades, and other inconsequential things that we forget to enjoy the best parts of life! Christmas is approaching fast, and we need to be prepared to have as much fun as possible. In the interest of the holiday spirit, the Humor Department compiled a list of ways you can inspire Christmas cheer in your fellow students through ingenious tactics, such as surprise, fearmongering, and coercion. We hope they come in handy!

1. Buy the school a Christmas tree

Everyone knows that you can’t have Christmas without a tree! Last year, some legend lugged a Christmas tree to the sophomore bar and it sat there for a month before its removal. We encourage all Stuy students to follow their example and bring Christmas trees to unexpected areas! After all, there’s nothing like walking into a bathroom stall and realizing that it is occupied by an evergreen. Christmas is all around you… Saint Nick is always watching…

1. Start a trend

Santa costumes are the new look—or they will be, once you wear one to school! Though simply donning a red and white hat may not be enough to convert the student body, I’m sure they’ll come around when they see how hard you’re rockin’ it around the Christmas tree. If you threaten your friends with ugly sweaters as the only alternative, they’ll be on your side in no time.

1. Naughty list

Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas if there wasn’t a naughty list, and it’s your responsibility to make sure that the list doesn’t stay empty! Take the elevator between periods, steal your teacher’s lunch, or do something truly evil! Make sure you earn enough coal to drive those fossil fuel companies out of business.

1. Switch up the lighting

The school lights are boring, so let’s add some color! One day before school, rally a group of friends and string up Christmas lights in the chemistry labs. As we all know, chemistry teachers are very laid-back when it comes to the lab environment. I’m sure they won’t mind!

1. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…

Santa Claus is many things, but most of all, he is a CIA agent. This month, you can channel your inner Christmas and imitate him! Learn all of the Stuyvesant drama, report it, and let it spread like wildfire. If you really want to bring your Santa game to the next level, set up cameras so that you can be in multiple places at once—especially the bathrooms. Nothing says Christmas like “Abigail has diarrhea!”

1. Sing your heart out

Before you walk to your first-period class, belt out a few Christmas carols by the bridge entrance! That way, more people can hear your wonderful singing voice, and Principal Seung Yu can intervene before anyone defenestrates you.

1. Seasonal romancing

We’ve all seen the Hallmark movies. Christmas is the season to find a significant other and get down and dirty to Elton John. But after years of failure, you’re discouraged. Fortunately, we have a tried-and-tested hack to win anyone’s heart: run up to them with mistletoe clutched above your head and kiss them on the lips. It’s not non-consensual if there’s mistletoe—just a happy coincidence!

We wish you all the best of luck during December. Make Christmas a special time of year!