How to Treat Your Spectator Editor

So you’re a new Spec writer who wants to speedrun the path to becoming an editor? You must know that being an editor comes with all sorts of responsibilities (and privileges!), such as being able to boss around fellow writers, enduring the pain of finding the same spelling mistake seven times in the same article, and staring disappointedly at sleepy writers during brainstorm meetings! Unfortunately, the journey of becoming an editor is no walk in the park. Most editors have to sell their souls (and their wallets to Starbucks) before reaching their final form, but I know you don’t want to go through all of that. So how ‘bout some tips and tricks to help you on your way? With these strategies under your toolbelt, you’ll be able to bend your higher-ups’ minds to your will and get that sweet, sweet resume padding in no time!

Constant and Gentle Reminders of Your Love <3

Make sure to consistently talk with your editor(s)! They love it when their phone starts buzzing so much it starts hopping off the table, telling them that they have 344 new notifications from the past five minutes alone. Especially if you send them “You’re my favorite editor! I would love to work alongside you—when are editor-in-training applications coming out??” 100 times at 3:00 a.m. in the morning; it’s really the best way to start the day. If they block you, simply make another account and spam them there! It’s the best way to express your devotion to both the department and the editor!

Endearing Nicknames :)

Using nicknames shows that your relationship is more than just writer and editor—it’s a mutual friendship! Out of nickname ideas? No worries. Simply go to www.embarrassingnicknames.com and choose the one that describes them the most. This can be anything from “Bald Kid” to “Pea Brain” to whatever your heart desires. Your editor will be so touched they’ll start crying, but do not fear—these are all happy tears! Better yet, scream their nickname whenever you see them in the hallways and hysterically wave at them, letting the entire student body know that you’re talking to them. They’ll love bragging about their new, *totally not embarrassing* nickname to their friends.

It’s A-OK to be a Tad Rude!

Everyone knows that the closer friends are, the ruder they are to each other, so why not use this to show your editors just how much you appreciate them? Make sure to insult their intelligence (or rather, their lack of brain cells) at every change you get. Call them brick brain, garbage can, whatever you want. Get creative! Spec editors value ingenuity and originality, so be sure not to use some tame and overused roast that you found on the internet.

Submit Every Article Late!

Every editor will tell you to avoid submitting articles late, but what they don’t tell you is that if you do submit an article late, you’re helping the editors maximize their procrastination skills! Not only will this increase the amount of money they spend at Starbucks (more procrastination means less sleep, which means more coffee), it’ll also give you all the time you need to make your articles perfect in every way. Perfect, meaning full of grammatical errors, obscure references, bad puns, and unclear sentences. This will ensure that the editor spends much more time on your document, which means that they’ll be giving more special attention to you and your writing. Perfect for taking the fast track to becoming editor!

Eat All their Snacks!

If the editors are nice, they’ll bring snacks during brainstorm meetings. If that’s the case, be sure to hog all the cookies and eat them as fast as you can. When they turn around from recording others’ ideas and suddenly see their jumbo box of Chips Ahoy! cookies empty and thrown on the floor (with crumbs that they’ll have to clean up later), be sure to enthusiastically announce that the cookies were yummy and that you really appreciate the effort. They’ll be staring at your face in shock, but don't worry—they're simply admiring how good-looking you are without a mask.

Threaten to Kill Them

If all else fails, you may be tempted to give up on your lifelong dream of becoming editor. But don’t fear! This last strategy has a 100 percent success rate, one way or another. Simply send a stream of knife emojis to them without context (or with context, if you’re daring like that). They’ll be thinking about you before bed, in their dreams, and all day everyday. You might even see them jump whenever they see you, but do not fear. They simply don't know how to face you as they’re too touched by your most recent messages. To make sure you include just the right amount of intimidation, include at least 114 knives, but no more than 135. And to make sure that the spell works, add an honorary “v” at the end to show how much copy-pasting you did!

And there you have it! If you follow all our advice religiously, you’re sure to become editor in no time, all without having to make the same sacrifices as your (former) editors. And then you’ll have to start spending your OWN money on Starbucks and greedy little writers… as well as being subjected to the wrath of other writers who may or may not have read this list… sorry, not sorry.