Humor Members Share Their First Week of School Experiences

“Crowds of depressed students and staff walked into the 11th floor gym on Monday, September 12 to commemorate the passing of PupilPath. Principal Seung Yu gave a beautiful eulogy, emphasizing that ‘Even as we move on to Jupiter Ed, the PTSD in our hearts will forever remind us of PupilPath.’”

—Freda Dong, junior, and Shera Zhou, sophomore

“Toward the end of last period, the freshmen tried forming a conga line, but it quickly turned into a disorganized mess as one student cried ‘CHARGE!!!’ and the rest raced after their new leader. To this day, no one knows where they went.”

—David Lin, junior

“I heard a chorus of prayers echo throughout the 10 floors from the depths of the Hudson Staircase.”

—Alex Zheng, junior

“In a horrific wipeout of the student population, 47 percent of all gym students fainted from the armpit stench in the locker room hallways.”

—Eshaal Ubaid, junior

“So far this week, I’ve seen three freshmen crying on the floor. It is a terrible time. For them, I mean. For me, it’s great entertainment.”

—Michelle Huang, sophomore

“Old friends meeting up, new relationships being formed, and ambitious students braving the day. That’s nice and all, but I personally just wanted to go back home and sleep.”

—Christian Kim, sophomore

“I was surprised to discover that all of the school’s lockers had been merged into one, ginormous, überlocker on the fifth floor. This ingenious idea spawned, of course, from the enigmatic mind of one Principal Yu. His justification for the locker renovation was to collect mass amounts of sheet metal, which would be tortured and welded into a giant, near life-sized model of the USS Missouri, a battleship that saw action in WWII and the Korean War. I think he thought it would make for an absolutely popping BeReal.”

—Vincent D’Angelo, junior

“I marched into school on the first day proudly flaunting my SpongeBob lunch box packed with Goldfish crackers. I was full of wonder as I made my way to my favorite class, Chemistry. I arrived at the classroom 20 minutes early, but rather than being greeted by the friendly face of my chemistry teacher, I walked in on none other than Principal Yu! There he was, curled up on the floor in the corner of the classroom, quietly sobbing. I think he was enrolled in the class too. I slowly backed out of the room and proceeded to spend the rest of the day eating my Goldfish in the Hudson Stairwell.”

—Gabriella Hoefner, sophomore