Issue 4 StaffEd

Math teacher Steven Hiller: He will make Vieta’s formula great again. —Ecco2kfan22, The Editor.

Spanish teacher Frida Ambía: Señora Ambía will ensure every American gets a little prize and “Happy Birthday” sung to them in Spanish for their birthday, even if, to cover the entire American population, it takes entire 24/7 broadcasts and the country is left with no time to pass policies. There will also be a mandated 10 minute dance break to Shakira and Becky G every hour, across all public institutions. —Chuerhuahua, Draculart Editor

English teachers Emily Moore and Anne Cooperstone: There has never been a more dynamic duo, a better partner-in-(constitutional) crime, and a perfect teacher-student (teacher) origin story than Moore and Cooperstone. As the poet of all time, our government needs Moore’s literary eloquence to make federal documents actually intelligible, and with her experience redirecting confused students to 615A and not 615E, Moore can easily reorient frazzled citizens in a national time crunch equivalent to a four minute passing period. Mentored by Moore herself, Cooperstone’s has the ability to increase efficiency tenfold by having every member of the federal government on Working Docs. We have full confidence in the Moore-Cooperstone ticket’s ability to permanently cool consumer prices with an abundance of random toys and cucumber-cat outreach. Additionally, the tedious and time-consuming process of voting for legislation is in need of the “Yay” or “Nay” voting system that their ticket proposes. Aside from policy, Moore’s two cats and Cooperstone’s dog are sure to captivate public opinion and spur productivity.

—Illiterature, Facts Editor, and Yunicorn, Paste Editor

English teacher Lauren Stuzin: In a world of catastrophes and gruesome disasters, America needs a breath of fresh air, compassion, and humor—all found in Lauren Stuzin. Overnight, America will be 10 times happier; cabinet meetings will be more productive than ever—when they finally finish minutes, that is; speeches will no longer be a snooze-fest, as Stuzin will appoint the Writing Center to edit them; food will be available whenever and wherever; and all government deadlines will be extended for weeks on end. Under Stuzin’s guidance, America will be far more literate and aware of random pop culture phenomena, and anime. —Iffy, Representative of the Dark Creatures   

Mathematics teacher Gary Rubinstein: A president is only as powerful as he is revered, and if one man commands both charisma and respect, it’s Rubinstein. From his heartfelt performance of “Vampire” by Olivia Rodrigo at the Teacher’s Talent Show to his increasingly comedic (and politically involved) Halloween costumes, Rubinstein goes the extra mile to stay in touch with his citizens. With his mathematical accolades, I’m certain he’ll solve our national debt with a couple of Rubik’s cubes and a spreadsheet. Sadly, unlike some other unnamed politicians who seem to be doing pretty well, he does have some “political knowledge” and runs his own blog, instead of clogging up TruthSocial. —Sir Nightwell, Ghoul-in-Command

Social Studies teacher Mordecai Moore: As the king of extra credit, we need Moore in the White House to revitalize the failing grade of the United States government. At his NHD rallies, Moore attracts vivacious crowds when compared to other candidates. With his historical insights and two hip(p)s, Moore brings critical thinking to an institution notably lacking in it. He will radically revamp federal communication to 24/7 JupiterEd blasts and 9:00 p.m. PSA Zoom calls. Congress needs the planned 365 day-by-day schedule that he pledges, over the half-day “schedule” that House leadership has produced. He has experience exercising his clamorous voice as Commander-in-Chief of room 339, along with experience delegating to Ms. McReynolds and a dearly departed Mr. Poe. —Kilometers, Facts Editor

Social Studies teacher Matthew Polazzo: Polazzo may lack the ability to stop himself from saying the most out-of-pocket things—such as his proposition to merge North and South Dakota into one glorious Dakota—but he makes up for it with actual political knowledge. (Crazy, right?) He has most definitely read the Constitution at least once, which is a major bonus for a presidential candidate. Plus, he’s not afraid of direct questions and difficult confrontations, whether it be interrogating sleeping students or beefing with the DOE over whatever new, oppressive policy they intend to impose on Stuyvesant. Most importantly, it would be really funny if he were president. —Micycle TwoWheels, Best Department Editor

Physics teacher Thomas Strasser: His posture is impeccable. Bring back straight(-backed) men.  —Boo-ey Marcus, Humor Editor

Chemistry teacher Mr. Orlando: There is no man more likely to get rid of the national debt by putting our GDP down on Dogecoin. Also, a nation run by Orlando is a nation of mercy, unless half the class forgets a homework worksheet; then, there is no mercy. —Meth Fentynal, News Editor 

English Teacher Eric Grossman: Very good at playing guitar and has a very calming voice, which would help resolve conflict. A very profound president. —Leonidas, News Editor

Computer Science teacher Jessica Novillo: As a woman in STEM, Novillo is bridging the gender gap in the computer science field one line of Python at a time. With her expertise in debugging non-compiling student code, there is no doubt she will find the solution to our government’s issues. She will ensure all government activities run efficiently, as proven by her years of experience optimizing algorithm time complexity. —Crustacean, Draculart Editor

Biology teacher Marissa Maggio: She has traveled far and wide from Antarctica to the Galapagos. With her extensive knowledge of the world and motor proteins, she would lead with both sarcasm and science. She may even give a public showing of a video of a C-section that many of her biology classes were blessed with. —Reeses Pieces, Draculart Editor

Mathematics teacher Andrew Wille: If the sky’s the limit, Wille is arbitrarily close to it. He will enact policies that sufficiently touch all your political values. As Mr. Wille’s campaign increases without bounds, you approach the ballot with only his name in mind. Vote Wille! —Wille’s Favorite Student, Frankenscience Editor

Social Studies teacher Ellen Siegel: Armed with her knowledge of the Constitution and a voice that can silence the third floor, Siegel is more than ready to lead. She never backs down from a challenge, as proven by years of homework-grading experience. —Candy Corn, AnnoyingOrange Manager

Chemistry teacher Gabriel Ting: Would be the most Gen-Z-core president, in a good way. He listens to you yap and gives pretty good advice. In other words, he listens to the people. We could use that in politics.  —Snicker Flavored Ramen, AnnoyingOrange Manager

Social Studies teacher Robert Sandler: Mr. Sandler would turn the whole country into one giant classroom, taking us on field trips to explore various cultures and history through plays and other enriching experiences. No more boring speeches and hooray for lessons consisting of vacation photos from all over the world! —Yan Yan, Frankenscience Editor

Physical Education teacher Vincent Miller: Once again, Miller dominates the field, pitching strong policies that are sure to make a home run. His impeccable fashion taste alone could save our country. (Congressional attire will be limited to the Stuyvesant PE uniform and Air Jordans.) —TwoStepsAhead, Sports Editor

Social Studies teacher Dr. Lisa Greenwald: Dr. Greenwald is brimming with knowledge on domestic and foreign affairs by incorporating her Ph.D. concerning French history into her policies. Her decades of ballet experience make her accustomed to being uncomfortable on stage, and most importantly, this nation is sure to receive subsidies on historically named stuffed animals. —Pumpkaboo, Cobweb