Jaded Juuling Genie

The angsty sophomore extracted the eccentrically-shaped juul from her pocket. Turning it in her palm, she noted that it looked like an archaic oil lamp. Since the walk-out was taking place that day and over half of the school’s population was gone, she was indiscreet in taking a long drag from its opening—

“Huh?” There was no vapor to be seen, none to be felt. She shook the device in her hand, tapped it gently, held it to her lips once more. Nothing. Had she confused it for a USB once again? Brushing her pointer and middle fingers against the juul in a tsk-tsk gesture, she scolded herself. “I knew something was up with the smoke shop owner when he told me that buying this was a ‘legendary deal!’”

Suddenly, the juul levitated and began to flood the area with poofs of cotton candy smoke while the sophomore started to cough. Oh, she was DEFINITELY going to get a REFUND the next time she saw the smoke shop owner—

“WHO DARES TO AWAKEN THE JADED GENIE?!” A goddess-like figure emerged from the colorful condensation. Her eyes shone with more rage than those of Brian Moran. She was dressed entirely in tie-dye and gave off the aura of the back-end of the bridge.

The angsty sophomore winced. Indeed, middle school health had warned her of the physiological consequences, breakdown of social relations, and legal repercussions regarding drug activity. But she was not given any warnings regarding the provocation of the spiritual realm. The only thing that shielded her from panic was that the genie wore clothing featuring leaves that were most certainly not from the maple tree.

“A jaded genie…?”

The genie turned to her and seethed. “Most of your classmates are either protesting for a noble cause or sharpening their minds in a classroom, and you choose to spend your lunch period illegally engaging in SMOKING—”

“Oh, quit being the Morality Police,” the angsty sophomore pointed at the genie’s ensemble. “Don’t you know that marijuana is illegal in NYC, hypocrite? Don’t you know that half of the students protesting really just went to Ferry’s to cut school? Don’t you know that kids are falling asleep in class and finessing their homework?” The angsty sophomore paused for a moment before she laughed dryly. “Frankly you seem a little too enthusiastic in your cause to be considered ‘jaded.’”

“Then perhaps you should take my place.” The genie snatched the juul from the angsty sophomore’s hands and took a whiff before emitting a fiery breath that swept through the seventh floor. Oddly enough, rather than incinerating the place, it just replaced Environmental Club’s plant life with pots of cannabis. The angsty sophomore had crouched behind the pot of pot, avoiding the flame as the genie approached.

“Your soul will become trapped in here,” said the genie menacingly, before being taken aback by how the angsty sophomore immediately howled with laughter.

“Are you dumb?” The angsty sophomore slapped her knees and cackled harder. “Stuyvesant students don’t have souls!” She struggled to regain her composure. “That being said,” she snatched back the juul. “I think it’s best that you—”

“You don’t need to say anything else,” the genie began to creep back into the juul. “Don’t you know that even the devil has a soul? I’m terrified.” And with that, the genie used the last of her momentum to propel herself out of the window before re-entering the juul, safely landing in the Hudson River.

The angsty sophomore looked toward the river with regret, silently lamenting all the money that was now wasted. With a huff (but not a puff), she swiped out for the remainder of her lunch period, hoping she could dig up a replacement in Battery Park.