Juuling Declines During AP Season

As AP season draws closer, a disturbing trend has emerged among the bathroom-dwelling population of Stuyvesant High School. According to several janitorial reports, the boys’ bathrooms across all floors have been uncommonly free of noxious vapors emitted from so-called juuls, the notorious e-cigarettes which have recently declined in popularity.

“I can finally clean the toilets without being exposed to second-hand juuling. Unfortunately, there is now nothing to mask the scent of feces and sexual desperation,” an anonymous janitor said.

The administration has also reported fewer criminal activities around the school.

“We are witnessing the dawn of a new era,” physical education teacher Vasken Choubaralian said. “With those pesky flash drives out of the mouths of our brilliant students, the rate of delinquency has greatly declined. I worry that I will run out of students to terrorize soon.”

The school has indeed seen fewer incidences of intoxicated students breaking the escalators and cutting class to engage in unholy rituals in the bathrooms. Choubaralian has attributed these activities to the corrupting moral influence of juuls.

There have been several attempts to explain this phenomenon. Some anarchists have claimed that the Student Union, which is leading the newly christened fascist Stuyvesant Empire, has been brutally cracking down on juuling with its secret police. Others have claimed that a lone vigilante has been snatching everyone’s juuls. Health teacher Barbara Garber offers her own perspective.

“Thanks to my baby project, students have finally realized the negative impact of smoking on their future children,” Garber said.

However, a new investigation launched by the administration has revealed that students have actually been trading their juuls for AP exam prep books.

“I don’t personally engage in this foul practice called ‘juuling,’ but I get why people are stopping,” junior David Vinokur said. “AP season is right around the corner and we have to be scholars. Juuls are temporary, but grades are forever.”

Students have been reporting to class and to the library in record numbers.

“This is incredible,” librarian Jonathan Cheng said. “I’ve never had this many students to kick out of the library at once.”

After years of humiliating cheating scandals, it seems that the Stuyvesant student body has finally come to its moral senses and is on the path to redemption. The short-term consequences of the decline in juuling have been very promising, though it remains to be seen if scores actually improve this year.