Looks Like the Teachers Made the Naughty List

’Twas was the day before winter break and all the teachers’ spirits were high. They couldn’t wait to take the next few days to “critically examine” their students’ work and effortlessly fail them! But all the holiday joy turned into confusion when they walked into the mailroom to find all their mailboxes stuffed with coal.

The Spectator Humor Department’s reporters raced to the scene to get the scoop, and what they found was truly shocking. At first glance, everyone assumed that this was the prank of some unruly student, but after Mr. Moran and Dean Wisotsky reviewed the security camera footage and investigated the mailroom, things became more baffling.

The recordings showed a short, round figure dressed in red and white crashing into the building at 4:20 a.m. through one of the cafeteria windows. The shadowy shape made a beeline for the milk coolers and pulled out a carton of milk. He opened it and proceeded to take a cautious sip, before tossing the carton on the floor in disgust and retreating. The mystery man then proceeded to waddle down the stationary escalators to arrive at the second floor, at which point he opened the large red sack that he was carrying, revealing at least 50 pounds of coal. The figure then noticed the security cameras around the bridge entrance area and Senior Bar and threw sugar cookies at them, rendering them useless. More cookie crumbs were found at the entrance to the mailroom and a scrap of red fabric was found stuck on one of the mailbox edges.

After calling Dr. Horenstein’s forensics students down to the scene to help with the investigation, Moran and Wisotsky were able to take fingerprint samples off the pieces of coal. These fingerprints were then cross-referenced with the extensive student database that the Student Union keeps, but no matches were found––whoever broke in was neither student nor staff.

It seems that the more we investigate this matter, the stranger it gets. “Another interesting thing is that we found fingerprints from multiple people. Or at least we think they’re people. The fingerprints are about five times smaller than the average fingerprint size. Honestly, the only thing they could have come from is elves or something, which is ridiculous because elves don’t exist… right?” forensics student Crimi Null said.

This series of events evoked a mix of reactions from the teachers. Though most were quite insulted, AP Environmental Teacher Mr. McClellan (who had coal spilling out of his mailbox and extending well into the surrounding room) seemed quite pleased: “This is a great example of bituminous coal. I can give some to the students during class to pass around and look at. Maybe it will help them get better grades on the 75 question test I’m giving after the break!” Other teachers think that they could perhaps burn their coal to heat their houses. Chorus teacher Mrs. Shamazov did not receive any, but she suggested that the others’ coal could be sold to raise money for the school.

And so it was decided that most of the coal would be sold on eBay. The money would be used to fix the window and cameras that were damaged during the break-in, and also buy new Christmas lights for the music department. As for the prankster who left the coal, his identity is yet to be determined, and Dr. Horenstein has offered 15 extra credit points to any student who can figure out who it was.