Lost and Found Box Over-Flowing

Stuyvesant’s Lost and Found box has overfilled to the point where the abandoned Hudson staircase has been reopened in order to accommodate the items. School officials are seeking recognition of the issue and have signed up for the next season of “Hoarders.”

One entire set of stairs was a meticulously arranged collection of phones, confiscated by the Phone Reserve’s Chairman Brian Moran. The smartphones ranged from the original iPhone 3G to the iPhone 8S. There are more phones buried here than in the rest of the world; many other schools have chosen to safeguard their phones here as well.

Many other finds have been located in the Lost and Found as well. There are study guides still glistening with tears, Supreme bricks, and a random easy-bake oven.

There were 54 students who made a home out of the Lost and Found. They constructed a labyrinthine system to secret living chambers, where thousands of sweaters and hoodies created beds, and the half eaten Whole Foods containers made for ample nourishment.

The most peculiar find, however, was the 3,400 souls of the undead (and dead—we found many caskets). These souls were collecting dust, and some were downright dangerously unviable: walking in their vicinity reportedly sucked the energy out of an Open House visitor completely, causing his heart to cease beating.

Last Friday, seeing that the pile was growing to an untenable level, Assistant Principal of Organization Randi Damasek made an announcement: “If you lost your soul, come down to Room 289 to retrieve it.” The mass exodus of students searching caused sheer pandemonium as students lined up from the 11th floor.