March Horoscopes

Welcome one and welcome all to The Spectator’s mystical fortune telling hut. What interests you in your future? Are you excited for it? Are you afraid of it? No matter what, you can be sure that our 200 percent accurate readings from our psychically gifted mediums are gonna knock your socks right off—provided you pay the fee, of course.

Capricorn

Stay away from pigeons this month; they seem to be planning a coup against all Capricorns. We recommend keeping a scarecrow shaped like Mr. Moran near you at all times to ward them off if they start getting aggressive. Otherwise, you can try feeding them deli meat or pizza crusts, but make sure you never make direct eye contact.

Aquarius

Things should be looking up this month! Though, you yourselves might need to start looking down. For some reason, your shoes will inexplicably never stay tied. It might be better to just wear laceless shoes for the next few weeks, as much as it would make you look like an overgrown kindergartener. As an alternative, you can keep them untied—changing quickly for P.E. will be much easier!

Pisces

Be very careful with your headphones this month: the chances of Mr. Moran hunting down your headphones specifically and taking them away will increase exponentially. If you still want to use them, we recommend keeping them in an indestructible platinum case that requires your fingerprint, face ID, credit card number, and mother's maiden name. (You should totally give us those, by the way. We’re besties, aren't we?)

Aries

It seems like you will be leaving a path of destruction in your wake this month. We recommend avoiding the escalators (they’re already broken half of the time) and anything fragile, like your hopes and dreams for better grades. We wish you luck in stopping your dog (or maybe that's your inner wolf?) from chewing homework for the next month! 

Taurus

Stay away from the Hudson River for the next few weeks. The Loch Ness sea monster has decided to visit, as the leprechauns make noisy neighbors during St. Patrick’s day. It’s out to get you, so make sure you stay far out of reach from its waves. For those of you taking swim gym, we recommend transferring out; rumor has it that the class will be switched into the Hudson to get more “real world experience.”

Gemini

Whatever you do, do not drink chocolate milk this month. We can’t say too much, but, according to an inside source, the cafeteria staff are plotting to transmit a specially engineered chemical that specifically targets Geminis to deliver terrible food poisoning through the chocolate milk. Their goal? To have more leftovers for themselves. Or maybe it’s just your lactose intolerance.

Cancer

Uh oh! Looks like your energies are out of balance—and it's all due to Jupiter being in retrograde. That means you gotta make your grades less retro (they were so last semester) on JupiterEd. Start locking in to unlock your third eye for extra credit and dormant cheating chakras, or this might be a rising sign that your rising sign is betraying you.

Leo

This is not going to be a good month for your Spotify. Just a reminder that playing a song on repeat means it will probably end up on your Spotify Wrapped; come December, you’ll have to explain to your friends why Baby Shark is your number one track. Maybe just listen to that song on YouTube instead (or just listen to better music, it's not that difficult).

Virgo

Autocorrect has it out for you this month. Make sure to reread any important massages you might send, as you'll defiantly chance they will be autocorrected into Shakespearean sonnets in prefect iambic pentameter, your copious internet slang and keysmashes be damned! On the bright side, your English teacher might finally be impressed by you. On the other hand, your group chat will start questioning you’re sanity, if they aren’t already.

Libra

Your sense of direction will be terrible this month. Make sure you always use your GPS (yes, even when going from the third floor to the cafeteria) and double check it’s not leading you to one of the robotics labs; once you go in, you won’t be coming out alive. As a reminder, NEVER, and I mean NEVER, open any doors claiming to lead to the 11th floor pool. It is a trap.

Scorpio

Keep a close eye on your pens this month. It appears they’ve finally had enough of the nervous clicking and frantic scribbling during tests and are planning to disappear right before your next exam to finally give you a taste of REAL fear. Make sure to keep your union-busters up your sleeves before their revolution starts bringing out the tricolor and guillotines. We recommend switching to pencils—they’re less rebellious.

Sagittarius

Your plants will start judging your life choices this month. Yes, plants have feelings too. The fact you’re not thinking about that is exactly the reason why they think you’re so inconsiderate. If you notice your cactus side-eyeing you, it might be envying your ability to survive off of so little water. You can move it out of your room, out of sight, out of mind, but that might just be proving their point…