Metropolitan Museum of Art v. Stuyvesant: The Ultimate Legal Showdown

“I’m sick of your little Met project. You’re being sued.”

Daniel H. Weiss, the president of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, followed by five lawyers in suits, strode dramatically into Principal Yu’s office. “I’ll see you in court on the third of May. Get ready, because…”

His voice trailed off as he realized that rather than facing Yu, he was staring at the back of a leather chair. Angered, he demanded, “Look at me when I talk to you! Show some respect.”

This was a mistake. While he was preoccupied with Yu’s disrespect, the office door had shut on its own, trapping him inside. Yu turned around, a smirk on his face. “You’ve finally decided to sue. How many years has it been since the Met project was first created? Since swaths of freshman started wreaking havoc in your museum?”

“Too many!” Weiss cried out. “And the freshmen were somehow worse this year. It seems that over quarantine, they’ve forgotten how to socialize like normal people and have no sense of etiquette. It’s ridiculous! Whenever the goblins try to get a student discount, they practically shove their student IDs into my employees’ faces, who are forced to look at your students’ ugly photos almost every day. It’s taking a toll on their health! Plus, all the student discounts mean I lose money! Do you think hosting the Met Gala costumes is cheap? Your children are overrunning my museum and I’m sick of seeing them everywhere!”

The lawyers murmured agreements. “Heck yeah, boss!” “Those Stuy kids ARE ugly!”

Yu tipped his head back and laughed.

“Do you think this is funny?” Weiss sputtered.

“No, I just find it funny that you think you can stop me.”

Yu pressed a big red button on his desk. The wall behind him swung open. Dust clouds billowed up from old, unused doors. Weiss’s jaw dropped as he saw an army of identical humanoid robots clad in sharp suits and garish ties, standing at attention. There must have been hundreds, or even thousands. Simultaneously, all of the lawyers’ heads turned toward Weiss at breakneck speed, just like Mr. Simon when he sees headphones in the hallway. One of the Met lawyers whimpered.

“You may have your fancy lawyers in expensive suits, but I have lawyers too—and they are superior to yours in every way. They’re stronger, faster, smarter, and their suits are nicer!” One of the lawyers looked down self-consciously at his tie as Yu continued.

“Do you know why I’m defending the Met project so ardently? Investors. Year after year, whenever I show the Met project to possible donors, they’re always so impressed. Investors LOVE a well-rounded school. STEM and the arts? They practically give us their bank details! Those freshmen invading your museum helped us pay for the Tribeca Bridge elevators. Yes, they may be annoying to you, but they rake in money like no other project ever could. Take me to court—I dare you. But keep in mind that just one of my robot lawyers is enough to crush your entire legal team like a roach.”

Weiss had had enough. He lunged at Yu, ready to settle things right then and there, but the robot lawyers were truly superior. They advanced on Weiss, and soon Weiss and his five lawyers were surrounded and restrained.

“Robots, take him away.”

Weiss struggled in the robots’ grasp, but to no avail—they were too powerful. Yu watched, smirking in victory as Weiss was dragged from the office. Yu began to close the door, but stopped to fire one last parting shot. “And next time, bring more lawyers. I expected better from you.” The door slammed shut inches from Weiss’s face.