Mulling Over the Mueller Report

The Justice Department announced on Friday, March 22, that special counsel Robert Mueller had completed his report on whether there was any collusion between Donald Trump's 2016 presidential campaign and notorious shirtless male model Vladimir Putin. It’s a good thing Mueller didn’t finish it a week earlier on the Ides of March, otherwise our senators would be busting knives outta their togas and pulling a Brutus. How horrible that would have been—our nation wouldn’t survive such a bloody Caesar of power! Mueller first began his work on May 17, 2017, and it’s absolutely jarring how slow he’s been. Jeez, what more incentive does he need than a cushy Attorney General nomination when a Democrat inevitably becomes president in 2020? We should have brought out a carrot-on-a-stick for that stubborn mule.

At any rate, reactions to the announcement were mixed. The Spectator spoke to one of the president’s advisors, Kellyanne Conway, who always finds a way to con people named Kelly and Anne (white people names lol). “It’s about time. Finally, the witch hunt is over!” Conway exclaimed. “Sean Spicer and I can finally dress up for Halloween (and Easter!) without looking suspicious! Of course, according to some alternative facts, we’re already witches, hehe.”

On the topic of witch hunts, presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren [D-MA] also had something to say. Speaking to The Spectator, she cried, “You’re not out of the woods yet, Drumpf! We’re gonna pull a Salem witch trial on you, and who else to lead the prosecution than Pocahontas? I’m a native Massachusite American, and I’m so old I was at the OG Salem trials!”

We attempted to contact Don Trump’s office, but staff members declined to comment. However, an anonymous source has informed us that on March 21, President Trump was seen departing on Air Force One to Moscow. There, he reportedly met Russian President Vladimir Putin and snuggled in for a teary night of Netflix & covfefe. In his absence, his daughter Ivanka Dump the Trump ordered the assassination of several key individuals in the presidential line of succession after learning that she wouldn’t become empress of America after her father’s death.

On a topic of less speculation, Robert Mueller has been under pressure to release his long-awaited report to Congress and to the general public. Critics say that by refusing to release it, Mueller is practically sleeping with Trump. I hope he at least has a choice. When asked to comment, Mueller’s office replied, “Everything you need to know about the report can be found by reading Barr’s publicly available report. No, not Roseanne Barr, though Will isn’t much better, eh?” Cheeky.

Right-wing critics say it is about time that Mueller released his report, so that, according to Rep. Steve King [R-IA], those “libs can face the fyre.” In an interview he gave with The Spectator, King repeatedly compared the Mueller report to the Fyre Festival. “Libs be like: ‘Lemme tell y’all—the Mueller Report gonna be the biggest, dopest, flyest report on planet earth. You best not miss this report. Get ready—we gonna blow yo minds,’” joked King. “And then those libs hear ‘bout the Mueller report and it’s just cheese sandwiches—not even grilled.”

Only time will tell what will come of this whole episode.

Editor’s Note—Trump had directed God Rosenstein to fire Mueller, but after he refused, Trump fired Rosenstein and tapped Rep. Steve King to serve as acting Deputy Attorney General. Mueller was quickly fired.