Mystery Solved: The Printing Station Chain of Fiascos

Attempting to print several hundreds of pages of the Global History textbook succeeded in creating a fiasco that would go down in history. This desperate freshman’s antics would only be the first in a chain of abuses surrounding the printing station, ultimately leading to its closure.

Before this shutdown, students would often clash violently on the long line to use the printing station. Seniors would regularly claim senior privilege and shove away underclassmen who had been waiting on line since 7:30 a.m. “I couldn’t print my 40-page essay!” complained senior Ely Sandine, before realizing that he was a second-term senior.

During AP week, the printing station was plastered with “Not In Service” posters, leading many students to question whether or not they were still in the subway station. The printing station was shut down because a few mischievous students decided to print a mere meter-long peanut butter pun meme, adhering it to the roof of the printer.

To top it off, the printer was found to be running for five hours straight, causing Smartboard outages throughout the building. “I couldn’t even show students the fancy transitions I had in my Powerpoint,” social studies teacher Josina Dunkel lamented. “Without Powerpoint transitions, how can I possibly cram in all of the 7829303 Henrys of the French Wars of Religion?”

It turns out that this was a conspiracy concocted by students to save their hands from the agony involved with copying down 100 slides every day. However, the students failed to foresee the unintended consequence of causing blackouts through the school.

The math department could no longer print out worksheets, and when they reverted to using the plain ol’ chalk and blackboard, the entire school was left vibrating in high frequency screeches. This would serve as the accompaniment to the chorus’s latest hit: “Lamentations sataniques.”

The administration finally had enough, shutting down the printing station for

good. Students now contend with doubly long lines at the library. More creative students, however, have mastered their handwriting to exactly mimic Times New Roman, font size 12.