Napping Spots: A Glorious Review

Not to brag, but I’ve been sleeping my entire life. As a seasoned professional with years of experience in the field, I believe that I am qualified to offer my judgment on the vast study of napping spots at Stuyvesant High School. Of course, this review will merely scratch the surface of the possibilities since this is a diverse and constantly evolving field of research.

We’ll begin our investigation with the most basic of napping spots situated around the school—the wooden benches. One of the most elementary skills Stuy kids learn is how to sleep on one of these. A popular location is the benches on the first floor beside the pool, though it smells strongly of chlorine and may get a little dark. Other locations include the seventh to ninth floors. For instance, the seventh floor benches beside the escalator offer a breath of life with their natural greenery. Similarly, the benches on the ninth floor offer a gorgeous view of not only the Hudson River but also of your average suffering AP Chem student. A better bench, such as one on the fifth floor beside the cafeteria, allows one to fully lay down due to the lack of armrests. These are also especially splendid since they get heated up in the winters.

Other common sleeping spots are the floors of Stuyvesant. They’re definitely not clean, but some people do prefer this option over the wooden benches. Some popular spots include the half floor between the first and second floor, the half floor between the 10th and elusive 11th floor, and the sophomore bar. Both half floors are great places as long as you have something comfortable to rest your head upon. Common objects include backpacks, rolled-up sweaters, or other people (**cries in single**). A word of warning: though the sophomore bar is an option, it is highly recommended to avoid it.

According to my expert analysis, the perfect location for napping is the library. For one thing, you can expect a peaceful environment since the room is legally required to be as silent as a grave. Second, there are multiple tables to lie down on, and no one judges you that much since they’re too busy slaving away at their English essay due in a few periods. One of the greatest upsides of the library spot is that you don’t need to set an alarm. In fact, the librarians kick you out of the library right before the period is over. This might sound awful at first, but it’s usually just a gentle tap on the shoulder. However, there may be a hurdle for first-time nappers in the library as having a random person wake you up may be unsettling. However, once you master the art of ignoring your embarrassment, this is a completely viable and recommended option.

For those snorers or those with two study halls in a row, a more optimal location would be the cafeteria. However, many preparations need to be made here. First of all, assume the worst about every tabletop and make sure to clean it aggressively using the strongest cleaning agent available; acids or a flamethrower usually work best, but Lysol wipes work too. The noise of the cafeteria can be deafening at times, but you can easily fix that with a pair of noise-canceling headphones and a nice K-pop playlist. One issue with napping in the cafeteria is that no one is going to wake you up. According to wisdom passed down from previous generations, a tried-and-true technique is to install an alarm on your phone. Having a friend aggressively wake you (slapping recommended) might be a better option though. More research is needed here.

For the most daring, we have the option of sleeping in class. Of course, the efficacy of this option depends heavily on where in relation to the teacher you sit in class, the teacher’s opinion on sleeping in class, and the class subject itself. Similar to the library option, there is a common mental hurdle for first-time in-class nappers: the fear of being cold called leading to not being able to look your teacher in the eye again. Therefore, this can be viewed as a final resort and should not be emulated on a normal basis due to its effect on one’s class participation.

Based on a primary source, StuySlumped, there has also been documentation of individuals napping between the escalators (see post Nov 19, 2021). However, various safety issues, Mr. Brian Moran issues, as well as comfort issues can arise from this location. Highly unrecommended—attempt at your own risk.

It is finally important to note various locations outside of school. The Long Island Rail Road is an especially popular option for your average Queens commuter. A highly overlooked location is the mattress shop across the street from the basketball courts. A preliminary scouting of the area has shown various viable bed options—normal, inclined, or heated ones—suitable for whatever napping experience you desire. Further reconnaissance has also uncovered the existence of pillows, sheets, and blankets, making this the optimal location for napping if you are able to exit the school building. However, please do enter at your own risk and we, the Humor department, are not responsible for any charges incurred.

On a final note and as words of encouragement, anywhere can be a sleeping spot as long as you are sleepy enough. Good luck and sweet dreams!