New Classes Leaked on Talos

After the list of new elective classes was leaked early to the public, anarchy was let loose and Talos promptly crashed after being overloaded by a whopping four visitors at once. Investigation for the cause of the crash is taking place under the supervision of the Student Union, but rumor has it that Student Union Vice President Vishwaa Sofat hacked the system to ensure his own spot in these specialized courses, specifically in AP Fortnite. Sources state that he is hopeful for his first victory royale after placing himself into the class.

Sofat denied this, however, and refused to answer questions, stating, “I have important dictating to do, like, can you, like, not.” He then proceeded to swat us away and went back to yelling at his subordinates.

But what possibly could have been so popular that the Program Office just decided NOT to tell anyone about? These new courses were planned to be released to the public for the spring semester, but an anonymous hacker broke past Rodda John’s defense mechanisms, made these courses available to the public early, and under the Facebook profile, “xxX_KillerKawaiiTigerAssassin345ExDee_Xxx,” posted “We gottem bois: AP Time Management, AP Fortnite, Escalator Appreciation, and AP Swim Gym for the spring y’all” into the “Dear Incoming Class of 2022” group. Here is a description of these new courses:

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AP Time Management

AP Time Management was designed to bring relief to the Stuyvesant community. With this course, students will learn how to properly finish their assignments before class and still have enough time for procrastination and a non-existent social life. Some units in this class include, “How to Survive for Three Days on a 20-Minute Nap,” “The Basics of a Curve and How to Obtain One,” “How to Juggle Your Endless Assignments,” “How to Write an Essay in Only Half an Hour at 3:00 a.m.,” and “How to Procrastinate Efficiently.” The class also requires you to have taken two courses beforehand, Basics in Procrastination and Cycling. Mastering procrastination is the basis of working efficiently as it increases your workflow at an exponential rate and allows a work time of four hours to be reduced to the 10 minutes you have before class starts. Cycling is required because it ensures that you can run up to the 10th floor from Orchestra before the warning bell even rings and still have time to print your essay along the way, even if you have to wait for that one guy to finish up his essay on the printing computer (he obviously hasn’t taken this class). The course also requires additional materials: a tissue box (XXXXL) for your tears and at least two pounds of pure synthetic caffeine (which can be picked up at your local Bronx Science).

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Escalator Appreciation

Principal Eric Contreras, in collaboration with AP of Security, Health, and P.E. Brian Moran, has agreed to launch a new freshman course, Escalator Appreciation, which will be implemented starting with next year’s incoming freshmen. Contreras cited concerns that the escalators were not receiving adequate love from underclassmen. This decision was made due to the utter tomfoolery that has been occuring on our semi-functioning escalators, which according to Contreras and Moran, deserve more respect. In this course, students will learn how to properly appreciate our mechanical moving stairs by studying their history, including different time periods of escalators (such as Baroque vs. Renaissance escalators), the evolution from stairs to escalators, escalator repair, and the most anticipated subject of this course, broken escalator parkour.

Upon completing this course, freshmen will receive the wondrous “Key to the Migration of the Levels of Stairs” or simply, the “Key that Turns on the Escalator if it Shuts Down.” Contreras is especially thrilled with this course, saying, “I don’t have to hire any more escalator workers to fix the escalators! I can just use my fresh batch of freshmen! I can finally buy myself a Stuylin’ shirt!”

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AP Swim Gym

The announcement of AP Swim Gym was one that sparked excitement in many desperate Stuyvesant students. The class will offer another college credit for those who are willing to venture to obscure, possibly shady areas of the Hudson. All students will be taking the elevators to the secret teleportation port on the 11th floor (courtesy of last year’s Science Olympiad team) to transport themselves into a secret classroom hidden underneath the Hudson, located near the Hudson Stuyvesant Shrine. This has already caused backlash from Stuyvesant’s staff, specifically those who only ride the elevators one floor to avoid the stampede of panicked students in the stairways. In this class, students will learn how to do the backstroke and breaststroke simultaneously. Students will also learn which grade makes the best sacrifice to Peter Stuyvesant in exchange for the ability to breathe underwater. This course requires two prerequisite courses, Swim Gym and Studio Art Mixed Media (the College Board requires well-rounded students for this AP, and perfecting hand-eye coordination will help in communications with local fish by using hand signals). Many freshmen are outraged, especially the ones who passed the swim test during Camp Stuy. An anonymous freshman stated, “I seriously just wasted six years of my life perfecting the art of the butterfly stroke just so I wouldn’t take Swim Gym. But now it’s blocking me from a college opportunity?! I demand compensation with a perfect 5.0 GPA!”

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AP Fortnite

But perhaps the most controversial and jarring of these courses is the AP Fortnite course. The class is believed to be taught by Ninja himself! Rumors of this “Pro Fortnite Experience” course, which is to be added to the roster and required for graduation, excited some freshies, but to others, it was an insult to their EPIC identities as gamers.

“Where’s the PUBG course? Huh? Or the TF2 or Roblox Course? What about Hunger Games on Minecraft?” an outraged self-proclaimed expert sophomore gamer cried. However, this brings hope for the Stuyvesant community, as we can finally be a match for Bronx Science’s renowned Fortnite E-Sports team (this is actually true). We don’t have a team, so with the addition of this course, Bronx Science can’t ignore us anymore! Maybe Bronx-senpai will finally notice us!

With the addition of the new courses, our community of sleep-deprived, depressed, caffeine-high students will drastically benefit from them. These obscure new courses will definitely give Harvard a reason to send us socially-incapable students an acceptance letter. The Program Office is going to try to find the motivation to place everyone into their first choices once they get Talos back online, as well as the will to revise their firewall. Stay woke for future updates, kiddos.