New Club Spotlight: The Stuy Clock-Slowers

The Stuy Clock-Slowers is a new club whose members crawl through the school’s ventilation system and secretly change the speed of the clocks throughout the building. They have already recruited over two hundred members on StuyActivities and are still accepting more. Even people who are not interested in the club are encouraged to join to direct attention away from the identities of the actual Clock-Slowers. The Humor Department decided to interview some of the Stuyvesant community to gather their perspectives on the club.

“We hacked the bell system so it plays the PACER test audio in between periods, but admin shut the bells off and hasn’t been able to fix them since,” an anonymous junior said. “I joined the club because there’s this girl I’ve had a RAGING crush on since freshman year. My fifth period free happens to be at the same time as her super boring Gov class, so every fifth period I crawl through the vents to her classroom. I spend my whole period manually adjusting the display time of the classroom clock just enough to speed it up without it being noticeable.”

“This one guy gave me the side eye while I was cuddling with someone at the sophomore bar a week ago, so I decided to stalk him a little,” an anonymous senior said. “Turns out he takes AP Chemistry, so I snoop around to find out whenever he has a [chemistry] test. On those days, I speed up the clock in his classroom. Karma!”

“Did you know that they accept requests for which clocks we want them to change?” an anonymous teacher asked. “The Clock-Slowers are broke high school students, so they’ll accept a mere two dollars for the task. I simply have them speed up every single clock I have an instructional period for. I pretend not to notice and just let out my students earlier. AND I still get paid the same!”

“Some people confuse us with therapy clubs or the Among Us club since we talk about venting all the time,” an anonymous Clock-Slower freshman said. “Hey, can this next part be off the record? Thanks, I’m not really supposed to tell anyone where the vents are. So a lot of freshmen Clock-Slowers like to use the hairy drains in the swim changing room—yeah, they’re actually vents—but personally I like the one in the lost and found. The jackets cover it.”

Critics of the club have raised the issues with clock-slowing to administration.

“It’s incredibly inconsiderate of these Clock-Slowers to take time away from my class,” one calculus teacher said. “I’ve done twenty-point curves and half of all my students still fail my tests! As it is, there’s not nearly enough time to cover all the topics before the AP exam. It’s already enough for other teachers to pull my students out on class trips, but this too? I don’t understand how the administration allows this club to continue!”

Assistant Principal of Safety Brian Moran has reportedly been attempting to crack down on the Clock-Slowers, but when he investigated sounds coming from a staircase connected to the ventilation system, he ended up busting in on a couple’s otherwise quiet quality time. Oops!

Principal Seung Yu has been blackmailed into not shutting down the club (the Clock-Slowers got some dirt on his Jungkook cardboard cutout), but a fake second clock has been installed in each classroom, so the Clock-Slowers get confused as to which clock to change. The fake second clocks play a recording of the Friday joke of the week when the time is altered. This has so far proven to be effective in warding off most of the Clock-Slowers. But until the bells are officially fixed, we’ll have to continue suffering through shortened geometry classes every now and then. Darn!