New Grading Policy Encourages Making Freshmen Cry, Delights Upperclassmen

Another marking period has begun, and with it comes a new grading policy with the potential to reinvent Stuyvesant. The policy states that if a sophomore, junior, or senior makes four freshmen cry, one point is added to his or her lowest class grade.

An overwhelming majority of the student body supported this new policy, stating that it’s an easy way to raise their grades and reduce academic stress. “It’s so easy to make them cry,” sophomore Donald McRadical commented. “The other day, I tripped a freshie, and he fell face-first in the cafeteria in front of everyone. He burst into tears and practically died of embarrassment. If I keep this up, I’ll pass AP World History.”

Donald McRadical isn’t the only one resorting to violence. To many students, it’s a quick and easy way to get a grade boost. The nurse’s office has seen a wild spike in activity following the new policy, mostly due to juniors attacking freshmen in order to look good on college applications. In an e-mail interview, junior John Richington Wellingsworth said, “I only have a 96 in AP Spanish. I’ll never get into Harvard now! Everyone in my family born after 1669 went there. The idea of having to walk amongst the common scum at a college like Dartmouth or NYU makes me queasy. I just had to push those freshmen down the stairs.”

Manipulating freshmen’s emotions is another grade-boosting tactic. Their fragility makes this especially effective––if you’re a slacker who wants minimum effort but maximum reward, opt for emotional exploitation. According to one sophomore, who swears by this tactic, “I didn’t actually want to attack the freshie, so I just sent them a photo of me holding a plastic knife. Within seconds he was sniveling and begging for his life over text. I didn’t think it would be that easy!” At this point in the interview, he proceeded to open PupilPath on his phone and held up the screen to show us his straight A’s.

Other upperclassmen hit further below the belt in their emotional manipulation. One freshman told our reporters of an incident where she was texting her senior brother for academic advice. She recounted, “All of a sudden, he just texted ‘u know dad isn’t coming back lol.’ It just came out of nowhere, I was so overwhelmed…” At this point, the student started hysterically crying.

Despite the United Nations condemning Stuyvesant on account of human rights violations for implementing this grading policy, the student body has embraced the change with open arms. Finally, they have something to rally around and participate in together, whether it is the poor freshie crying his eyes out in a bathroom stall or the upperclassman celebrating straight A’s. Principal Yu himself said it best: “I’ve never seen so many students crying and celebrating together at once. Never before has our school been so unified and open to change. The seniors are actually willingly talking to freshmen! I think we’re really onto something here.”