New Ice Skating Class Replaces Rollerblading as Hudson Freezes Over

The country has been inundated with record breaking low temperatures, throwing the entirety of the U.S. into a state of panic and urging Southern politicians into an anti-global warming offensive. At Stuyvesant, the cold conditions and SING!-defying nor’easter winter storms have caused the Hudson River to once again freeze over, now making jumping into the river a perfectly safe venture. The administration has taken advantage of this opportunity by implementing a new class for the spring semester—Hudson River ice skating.

“This semester, I’ve had three students scrape their knees, despite the fact that I explicitly told them not to fall,” said P.E. teacher Vasken Choubaralian, as he ate his vegan spaghetti lunch. “I’m so sick and tired of filling out the paperwork.”

He asserted that ice skating would be much safer because if students fell, they would simply slip and fall into the 100-feet deep water of the Hudson. “It’s so much easier to fill everything out when the injury is just ‘death’ instead of ‘three-inch long laceration on the left kneecap,’” Choubaralian explained.

Parents, however, are not convinced, and have raised concerns over the potential implication of drowning in the river. “I’m fairly certain that if Greg drowns, he will no longer be eligible for a Stuy diploma!” one father lamented. “Even though he already took swim gym!”

Human Diseases teacher Jerry Citron endorses this parental concern, citing the numerous possible diseases that might occur due to the dirty river conditions. “Firstly, there’s dying, which is quite common in cases of drowning. But other than that, let’s see: there’s E. coli, malaria, ebola, autism, and most worrisome secondary-onset senioritis.”

Assistant Principal of Safety, Security, Student Affairs, Health, Fun Regulation, and Physical Education Brian Moran has also expressed that it might take too long for students to enter and leave the Hudson River in time to make it for a single period. “These guys take an eternity to change into shorts and T-shirts,” stated the Moran, “I’m starting to suspect they’re more preoccupied with Student Affairs than the importance of their Physical Education!”

Students are ecstatic about the change. “I originally signed up for Advanced Rollerblading,” senior Rachel Wong said. “But now, I can show off my figure skating jumps!” Others are using it as an opportunity to have fun with each other. “Now I can finally push my friend into the river and just say I thought he had ice skating!” freshman Jimmy Chen said. “Less competition for colleges!”

Many, however, are worried about whether they would freeze if they continued with the traditional gym uniform. In resentful concession to these concerns, students will be allowed to wear hoodies, sweatpants, and scuba gear, as long as they are from the school store.