New Virus is Taking the World by Storm—Beware of “Feelings”!

Recent research confirms that there has been a resurgence of a deadly virus. It preys on the weak. It leaves you with a crippling Taylor Swift addiction. It WILL ruin your life. “Feelings,” a widespread contagion that scientists believed to be eradicated, took Stuyvesant by storm in September. While this disease is not fatal, it has lasting effects on emotional and physical well-being for years to come. 

Who is at Risk?
No one is immune, but romantic individuals and avid C-drama/K-drama/Webtoon readers are more likely to catch this devastating illness. Hanging out with such individuals may also increase your risk, so be wary. It is impossible to gain immunity, so you are still as susceptible as anyone else whether or not you’ve been exposed to this disease before. If you were once a victim of this disease, it is possible that you have never fully eliminated the illness from your system in the first place. Some signs of this include waking up screaming their name in the middle of the night or writing Humor articles hoping they’ll see your name in the byline and take you back. But don’t get your hopes up, it probably won’t happen… unless? (Please take me back pookie-poo… I can’t get out of bed in the morning… I keep slipping on my tears).

Symptoms

People who have caught the virus display diverse symptoms ranging from mild to severe. These symptoms may appear as early as one-day post-exposure or as late as one month after. Such symptoms include but are not limited to: 

• Redness and flushing in the cheeks 
• Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing 
• Inability to do anything productive 
• Random giggling or squealing
• Pain or pressure in the chest

• Heart palpitations
• Delusional thoughts*  
• Insomnia 

*Such thoughts may include thinking about all possible interactions and/or marriage, as well as your future kids’ names 20 years down the road.

Feeling Sick? 

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms or are worried a loved one has caught this illness, call 1-800-Humor-Department’s-Cupid and notify the operator of your situation. All operators are held under the contract of HIPPA, and everything you say will remain confidential *wink*.

In the meantime, be sure to quarantine the infected individual far away from the object of their affection. Do not allow any additional contact between the people in question. Do not initiate in-person interactions, and DO NOT initiate any conversations through virtual communication applications. 

New updates about this virus will be uploaded once more research has been conducted. Be sure to keep yourself, your friends, and your family safe.