New York Post Accidentally Hires Real Journalist

NEW YORK—Expressing surprise and embarrassment, New York Post Editor-in-Chief Sean Giancola called a press conference early this morning to announce that the newspaper had unintentionally hired a real journalist, Joseph Addison.

“I was going through the day’s work,” Giancola said. “The horoscopes for this first half of the month looked really good...that is, until I read Addison’s article about the importance of journalistic integrity in our nation.” At this point, the EIC seemed to have trouble breathing and stood there gasping and gripping the podium for several moments.

“Sir, do you need some iced water?” an assistant asked, snapping Giancola out of his silence.

“I’m fine. I was just blown away by the facts and total lack of yellow journalism presented in Addison’s work.”

According to Giancola, drafts are rarely more than biased rants, and the sudden journalistic quality of Addison’s writing threw the New York Post headquarters into a state of civil unrest.

Though Giancola refused to disclose more information about the situation, a NYC watchdog released e-mail files showing that the New York Post hiring department had e-mailed Addison instead of social media influencer Addison Cooper for the newly opened position of City Hall beat reporter. The same watchdog also leaked security camera footage showing Giancola waking up from bed in a cold sweat at 2:00 a.m., knocking over a glass of LaCroix on his nightstand, and ruining his favorite T-Rex pajamas while yelling: “NO WAY—THAT’S FAKE NEWS!!!”

When Stuyvesant students were asked about Giancola’s ordeal, a junior quipped, “I’ve had dreams of someone giving that man a wake-up slap for a long time, and I’m glad it’s finally happened.” A nearby JV football player added, “AMEN to that!”

Staff members of The Spectator are equally as riled up. The following question was brought up in their 10th period journalism class by faculty advisor Kerry Garfinkel: “Do you folks think this is an issue worthy of being covered in a staff editorial?” Many editors nodded their heads, with a few raising fears about the competition that the New York Post suddenly posed to The Spectator. “I agree,” Co-Editor-in-Chief Artem Ilyanok said. Even Garfinkel snapped his fingers at the point, something he typically never does.

In his closing remarks about the whole shabang, Giancola noted, “I...uh...don’t even know what to say. I came into this business to manipulate stories, selectively quote sources, and sell tabloids—not to do hard-hitting, thoughtful, accurate journalism. I’m not even sure where we go from here, to be honest.”