Nightmares No More!

Now that school is back in session, the little joy you once had has been cruelly taken away from you as you are confined to the halls of Stuyvesant High School. Returning to the building may have serious side effects including nausea, failing grades, unrequited love, chronic coffee addiction, death, and, worst of all, nightmares. This unfortunate side effect terrorizes students and steals the little sleep they can get

And so, solely due to the fact that I love the Stuyvesant community, I have decided to help. After extensive research and spiritual enlightenment, I have compiled a list of several very common Stuyvesant nightmares. May these help you beat them in future nights’ sleep.

Head & Shoulders feat. Moran

A disturbingly common dream among students features Dean Brian Moran in a lavender shampoo commercial. Students have reported that, after the shampoo is displayed with an aesthetic picture in the background, a hand reaches toward you and takes away your phone. If you have fallen victim to this nightmare, all I have to say is: How are you doing? I’m always here if you want to talk. Also, I suggest you stop spiking your coffee with those Five-Hour-Energy drinks. Seriously. Based on your caffeine intake, no wonder you’re having nightmares; it’s a miracle you’re still alive.

The Wrong Type of Chemistry

Another popular nightmare involves students being forced into taking chemistry, over and over and over again. This nightmare comes in different forms. For some students, a chemistry teacher yells at them for not understanding even the most basic of principles. Others have reported doing homework in their nightmare and waking up drenched in tears. I understand. It was a rough year. I know that nothing your teacher said after the first lesson made sense, partially because you were half-asleep during most of class. But it’s all over now. You passed chemistry. Instead, I suggest you start cramming for the physics class you will be taking this year rather than dwelling on the past.

C0llege R3jecti0n L3tter$

This nightmare involves Stuyvesant students getting rejected by their dream colleges. While this one is a particularly ghastly nightmare, there is a very simple remedy for it. I understand that it can be really hard getting into your dream school. There’s still hope left though! Rather than sitting there, overthinking, take a proactive approach. Go to the campus every day and wander outside asking intelligent-sounding questions such as, “What is the value of x if y = 5+7?” or, “In what year was George Washington born?” (Answer: 1685. Trust me, I passed APUSH.) Everyone will be so impressed by your questions that your admission is practically guaranteed!

Disrespecting Your Elders

Most common among seniors, this dream involves a situation in which an underclassman mistakes a senior for someone younger than them and subsequently reprimands the upperclassman. To this I say: it’s ok to be short. I know you’ve been chugging gallons of milk but still can’t seem to grow an inch above five feet. It’s important that you recognize that this situation is very commonplace; more and more seniors fall prey to the unspeakable interaction where an overgrown junior yells out, “Move it freshman!” as a poor senior tries to make their way to their class. But do not fret! We have a solution: peg legs! This will make you tower over even the most overgrown of underclassmen. If you used up all your money on Muji school supplies and can’t afford the surgery (amputation not included), don’t worry––we have a DIY option as well! Cutting off part of your leg may be difficult and slightly messy, but at least you no longer have to worry about getting yelled at by an underclassman!