NYC Rat Expert Solves Equality Between Rats and Humans With $2.90

Following the city’s decision to raise the MTA fare to $2.90 this August, New Yorkers have expressed utter disbelief. So I, a part-time rat expert and part-time good samaritan, have implemented my newest plan yet: allowing the millions of local subway rats the pleasure of being one step closer to humans by charging them $2.90 each time they use the subway system!

You see, last week I interviewed New Yorkers (real ones, not Stuy students), and the outrage was far worse than I could have ever imagined. One New Yorker reportedly said, “OMG, I’m on TV! Hi mom and dad! Omg, what should I say omg, remember to stay hydrated, besties! Slay. I’m totally going to be Instagram famous after this,” while dramatically flipping their hair. I’ve never seen anyone flip their hair with so much passion about hydration and the subway system, but it’s completely understandable, as the subway system often serves as public water fountains for the diverse ecosystem of mice, roaches, and humans alike during rainstorms. Another participant muttered, “Why do I have to pay 15 extra cents for a subway system that breaks down more often than Stuyvesant freshmen on the half floor? This is an outrage! When I was nine, I invented subways and operated them 25 hours a day! By myself!” Not to be rude, but I do wonder which time period they were born in. Anyhow, the fare raise was clearly a troublesome predicament for the average subway goer. So, to alleviate this deep inequality, I devised an ingenious plan: if there are millions more rats than humans, and most of them live in the subway tracks, why not charge them to enter the subway instead, generating vast income in the process? 

I began the execution of my plan by plunging into a manhole above the 42 Street train station to evade the overpriced train fare. I waited a few minutes in a spacious crack in the tiled subway wall, and soon I found myself following a hurried rat to its nest in a surprisingly clean Macy’s bag. Around 20 rats were scurrying around wearing loose socks and holding fragments of Stuyvesant student IDs as accessories. In the middle, there was a large, somewhat sinister-looking rat king made up of a group of rats with their tails bound together whom I attempted to talk to. The collection of rats squeaked, “Squeak! We will never submit to you humans! In 2025, we’ll be sure to overtake your race and reign supreme! Squeak!” Though they showed violent disinterest, I insisted that they would be considered real New Yorkers and that this could be a step towards acceptance of rats into human society. The masses squirmed into an orientation so they could discuss with one another, and after a long discussion, they responded, “Fine, but we’ll have our ways as you humans have yours… Squeak.” And so, my plan was complete. The MTA’s revenue would be doubled, if not tripled, and inequality among rats and humans would be resolved. 

These days, you can spot large crowds of rats streaming toward train stations at 3:00 a.m. and hitching a ride on the heads of their terrified human counterparts to escape the fare. Nonetheless, rats and humans have gotten closer since the completion of my project—the different species are often seen leaving behind thoughtful gifts in each other’s place of residence, such as tiny stacks of poop in coffee shops and cigarettes in soiled Macy’s bags. Coincidently, the number of rats sold at Petco has also increased, but this must be due to the increased love for our furry friends. Have fun befriending the cuddly furballs, but just be sure to hide your student ID!