Observing the Wildlife of Stuyvesant High School

*(Insert Sir David Attenborough’s soothing British voice)*

Hello, and welcome to another installment of BBC’s Natural History series. I’m your host, Sir David Attenborough, and today we’ll be exploring one of the strangest and most disturbing creatures on Earth: H. depressien, better known as the Stuyvesant student. 

Our investigation starts at the Tribeca Bridge to Stuyvesant High School, where we can observe the students’ daily migration over the bridge. One can instantly see a trait that distinguishes them from the rest of their genera: their hunched-over backs, which differ wildly from the upright spines that were naturally selected for them. Look at those curves! How perfectly they mimic nature’s golden ratio. 

Walking throughout the building, we see Stuyvesant students going about their daily lives. During work and play, many strangely choose to sit on the hallway floor. This highlights the average Stuyvesant student’s ability to resist disease despite the germs covering their floor and filling the air of their bathrooms. Scientists hypothesize that they can survive much filthier environments like Brooklyn Tech, but only further research will tell. 

We move on and closely examine some social hot spots for these creatures. The first one is merely a massive slab of metal emerging from the ground, 10 feet away from their main entrance, but the creatures have given it an almost religious significance and have painted on it and the surrounding area. Here, we observe the advanced social system these animals possess, as this area seems to be designated for only select larger members of the species. Yes, we can observe this unspoken social rule being enforced. A younger student is being yanked by his lower limbs off of the watering hole’s main structure and pulled along the floor, collecting dust! How lucky we were, to be able to capture a youngling being dragged like a wet towel. They have a system of punishment—truly indicative of higher thinking! I’m shocked they know how to think!

We move on to another social hot spot. This one consists of a large room filled with circular tables and benches illuminated by a skylight. However, these creatures are too primitive to appreciate this room’s beauty. Many of the members of the species avoid it due to the loud noise and overpopulation, but others flock to it daily, willing to endure it all for a consistent food supply. Here, we can hear the plethora of noises used by these animals to communicate. Listen:

“AgahHAHAaAh I hate physics.”

“LET’S GOOO I got a 45 on my last test and it rounded up to a 65! RAHHHH!”

“Oh my god, you play League of Legends too?”

I recognize that last sound! It’s employed mostly by those who have not yet mated and are seeking a partner in the crowd. Let’s observe whether this mating attempt is successful. Oh, dear—it appears all the female members of the species are running away from whoever made that sound. Perhaps that was intentional? Only further research will tell. 

We move onto the third and final social hot spot we visit today: a staircase, strangely enough. It’s tucked away in a corner of the school, indicated only by a sign labeled “Hudson.” Let’s go in and—OH MY GOSH LOOK AWAY. Cameraman, delete that footage. The BBC will never let us air that. I am truly disturbed. 

Truly, the Stuyvesant student is a remarkable creature. We’ll continue exploring them by seeing what happens when they are introduced to unfamiliar experiences, such as being happy and properly hydrated. Tune in for next week’s episode of BBC’s Natural History series!