Obvious East Asian Characteristics

It was November 4, three days after the dreaded Early Action deadline and the day my friend Anna added me to the “subtle asian traits” Facebook group. I remember hovering my cursor over the notification with slight hesitation and confusion. What was this group even about? Was it going to fill my newsfeed with posts from white people making fun of my physical features or gossiping about Forever 21’s new qipao-patterned snapbacks?

I was thoroughly shook when I discovered that this group (now nearing one million members) of predominantly East Asians could create such quality memes—memes I never knew I needed in my life until then. Though I knew barely one percent of the people in the group, I knew that we all enjoyed doing the same thing: tagging our friends in at least 20 memes a day with the comment, “LMFAO MEEE.”

Scrolling through the group for hours made me feel comfortable and extravagant. Gone were the days of seeing Dear Incoming Stuyvesant Class of 2020 posts like, “yo how easy is it to get a 95+ in [insert science elective class]?” and “is it plausible to apply to college as a junior with three subject tests that match Stuy’s address?” This group made my jaw drop as wide as Pikachu’s whenever I saw the messages that white people dared to send to Asians on Tinder. It disregarded the rest of Asia and made me realize that I was not the only disgrace to my ancestors. And discovering that there were other poor souls like me who couldn’t speak Mandarin, read or write Chinese (save for phonetic Cantonese spelling), maintain a 99 average, or play the violin and piano was quite comforting.

Yet this grand feeling didn’t last too long after I found out that there was a “subtle asian dating” (SAD) group. There were actually multiple groups, each dedicated to a certain area of the world, making me question the breed of men present in the Big Apple. Stalking the group on a friend’s account allowed me to see that everyone in the group was the definition of a perfect [redacted] Asian. Posts from college students advertising their ABB and ABG (Aggressive Boba Buyers and Active Buff Guys, respectively) friends all started off the same way: “Looking for a wholesome [insert acronym and suggestive emojis]??!!” The credentials went on to include that each person saved animals from global warming in the Arctic during their breaks, modeled on the side to pay for their Ivy/UC/UK school tuition, and managed to work out and rave every weekend.

All of them were looking for someone who could handle being their S.O. for the rest of their lives—or at least one semester. Being that I am the prospective valedictorian’s best friend, was featured in a SAD post with a heart that said “THIS COULD BE YOU” over my face, am “proficient” in three languages, have a roly poly body, and can run up seven flights of stairs without arriving late to class (at least in freshman year), I decided that I was the perfect candidate for all of these attractive men.

Upon trying to gain admission into the SAD group, the first question appeared on my screen: “Will you respect everyone in this group as to uphold your family honor?” I stared at my keyboard and typed, “I’ll make Mulan proud.”