Our Good Ole Childhood

All right, folks. It’s been 10 years since the release of 16 new (unchanged) iPhone models. Ten years since our parents said that drinking milk would make us smarter, taller, and more attractive; yet, here we are. I mean, just take a look in the mirror! This decade, everyone on Earth has either aged or died. Stuyvesant students, in particular, have progressed a lot, evolving from simple grade-school dwarfs to acne-ridden children with gigantism. To celebrate this upgrade (or downgrade?) in life, let’s take a look at some of the glorious memories from the peak of our lives, shall we?

1- GYM SCOOTERS

Everyone knew that when the teacher pulled these bad boys out of that old, rusty cabinet where schools used to store the janitor’s new brooms, it was gonna be a good day. Though scooting along the ground on your ass isn’t really a valuable life skill, it sure was a lot better than being hit with a dodgeball. I mean, it definitely built some thunder thighs.

2- JUDY CLOCKS

You know those yellow disk-lookin’ things with the red hands? Who knew in a world surrounded by smartphones and Google that time-telling on an analog clock would be oh-so-very helpful? Didn’t see that one coming.

Random note: remember when the teacher would read aloud that rendition of your neighbor’s fat, red dog, and basically the entire class would stare at one person if his name happened to be in the story? Yeah, that was me. But with a literal wooden clock. The Judy Clock.

3- FRUIT BY THE FOOT

If you haven’t had these, you either didn’t have a childhood or your mom was a nutritionist. My mom wouldn’t let me eat them until I started getting noise complaints during snack time. I don’t blame her—I would do the same. Partially because eating them made you look like you killed a smurf and partially because they would straight up install mitochondria on steroids in little children.

4- “TOM AND JERRY”

Man, I don’t know if we all liked this show so much because Tom reflected our idiocy as children and we needed some sort of reflection or what. But Jerry trying to tie the literal thread of a string onto Tom’s overly fluffy tail may have been the best 30 seconds of entertainment. Despite these joyful moments, let’s be real: no one exactly remembers which day of the week “Tom and Jerry” would come on.

5- TEMPLE RUN 1 AND 2

The monkey screeches will forever give me nightmares. Like legit, how can seeing a skinny red-headed man being chased by a mutant demon monkey while he slides down a frail rope not give you anxiety? The best sounds of childhood came from this game. An example would be when you slid your finger so fast on the screen that it practically gave you carpet burn just so that gleaming green gem could be collected. Or when your brother’s sad high score was beaten by your equally pathetic high score. Needless to say, Temple Run 1 has been severely neglected by our asses ever since the second version came out, so here’s the space to mention it as a good predecessor.

6- TOYS “R” US

Before Brandy Melville and Forever 21 sales swarmed the minds of young teenage Danielle Cohn wannabes, there was once a thing called Toys “R” Us. Following the recent death of Toys “R” Us, everything went on as usual and no one cared except for a few of y’all wholesome Jesus souls. I miss deciding between a Littlest Pet Shop bobblehead figure and a painfully bright pink Shopkins “mystery” basket. But that’s probably because I have to decide between sanity and grades now, which doesn’t exactly bring the same excitement.

And that’s a wrap! Weren’t the times before TikTok encouraged teenage girls to twerk to overplayed songs swell?