Pants Made Mandatory on All Zoom Calls

It has come to The Spectator’s attention that a group of students has chosen to live life on the WiLd sIdE and only dress the top halves of their anatomies while attending their online classes. Personally, I believe that this is absolutely despicable. While all our teachers now mandate us to present ourselves in the way we would in our usually confining classrooms, students have exhibited a lot of liberty in abiding by that rule, as the teachers’view of them is restricted to their top halves. So, as the best Spec Humor reporter in existence, I have decided to take on this project and discuss an incident regarding that liberty to perhaps show my extensive capabilities and worthiness and so that my editors won’t send me back to the writing plantation.

Let me get into the juicier details of the real reason why pants have been made a requirement. It all started on March 27, 2020, when there was a high of 69 degrees and a low of 50 degrees. A Stuyvesant student, sophomore Ef Indechaet, decided it would be of the utmost intelligence to not wear pants during a Zoom call with his European Literature class. Keep in mind that Indechaet has a very hyperactive dog. Anyway, this class started as any Zoom call does: with an unnerving amount of awkward silence followed by English teacher, Haed Enuff, returning from confidential teacher duties 12 minutes late because he has the power to do as he pleases. Enuff greeted the caffeine-deprived class as they all reminisced about the days when they didn’t have to see their “lovely” classmates in the comfort of their own homes. Enuff proceeded to give the students a prompt to respond to, and as they were doing so, Indechaet’s rather large dog decided it would be an astounding idea to yank Indechaet’s laptop by the keyboard and drag it off of his bed at the perfect angle. Needless to say, an image appeared on all the participants’ screens that shall be permanently branded into their memories for as long as they live. Well, you can probably guess what they said. Indechaet now has a very colorful nickname in their group chat: “genitals.”

I asked Indechaet to share his thoughts on the matter. “Please, wear pants,” he said. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I really thought I was about to hack the system. The system ended up hacking me.” Rookie mistake.

I also decided to ask Indechaet’s close friend in that class, sophomore Skaardfohr Lyf, about the incident. When I Zoom-called her for an interview, I found her repeating the phrase “There were no pants. Why were there no pants? There were no pants. Why were there no pants,” over and over while rocking back and forth on the floor. This went on for a good hour until I had to leave. Clearly, Indechaet’s mistake has made a very lasting impression on his peers.

To avoid any future incidents featuring this R-rated content, Stuyvesant has implemented a rule requiring all students to wear pants to video calls, effective immediately. You also might be wondering how this will work because of how a certain school policy has a notorious reputation of being broken frequently. Unfortunately, the enforcement of this new law comes at the expense of some privacy. At the start of every video call, students and teachers alike will be required to present their clothed undersides for assurance. While dubious and barely legal, this requirement is justified, considering the immense embarrassment you are now saved from experiencing.

Indechaet is doing fine now, in case you were wondering. Granted, he still wakes up to mountains of mockery in his inbox every morning, but he’s sure to live this down as soon as the next big thing happens, like a chameleon learning to skateboard or “Teletubbies” (1997-2001) returning for season five.

There will be no more frolicking in your own self-confidence as long as your camera is on during a Zoom call and there are other people who can see you. It is for the greater good.

Therefore, please, wear pants. Your classmates can cleanse their eyeballs with only so many lavender-scented essential oils.