Peglegs Finally Win A Game

After an unprecedented 0-9 season, the Stuyvesant Varsity Football team has won a scrimmage against P.S. 89’s peewee flag football club. The 89ers put up a hard fought battle, scoring a 5-0 lead in the first quarter. Coach Football Man talked about how nervous he was after realizing that his team could go 0-10, delivering the eloquent statement: “I nearly [redacted] my pants.”

Senior and captain Perry Wang stated, “We had a tough first quarter, but during halftime, I told my team, ‘It doesn’t matter if we win or lose. I know we are outmatched, but we can pull this off. But even if we do lose, at least we can smoke our juuls afterward.’” Quickly, the football team rallied, putting up six points by blinding the 89ers with vape smoke and luring them off the field with “enhanced” brownies. Astonishment swept the stadium—for the first time in history, Stuyvesant football was one point ahead. However, their lead did not last long.

In the third quarter, determined to keep their lead, Wang attempted to tackle the 89ers’ star quarterback. The quarterback ducked down, and using his height to his advantage, completely sank into the turf. Wang went careening over him and smashed his head into the ground. Ironically, this head injury actually improved Wang’s mental capacities; some reports say that a sense of awareness and consciousness returned to Wang’s eyes for the first time in years. He got up and smiled, signalling he was okay, but was quickly taken into the stands when the coach noticed that he was missing a few of his front teeth.

Without their captain, the Peglegs suffered. The 89ers scored again and again, managing to use their superior strength to their advantage. Before long, the 89ers were up 32-6. At this point, two-year linebacker, How Hon Hwang said, “I gotta get high. It’s better to take this L as high as a kite.” Fellow teammates agreed, and everyone on the bench took out juuls. Vape smoke rose up from the benches, forming a gigantic cloud that enveloped the stadium. The soccer moms of the P.S. 89 kids were outraged and decided to pull their kids out of the game, handing the Varsity Peglegs their first default win. We attempted to reach out to both parties for comment but the soccer moms were too busy breaking copies of Grand Theft Auto games and saying “Not In My Christian Household!” while most of the Peglegs were too stoned to give a comprehensible response.

Either way, the Peglegs did a fantastic job winning their first game of the year.

Go Peglegs!

UPDATE:

One of the soccer moms took a break from picking up her son from every after school activity that exists and had the time to give us a statement about the events detailed above. Mary Anne White explained her take on what happened:

“I always been raised in a Christian household, and I tryin’ keep it Christian. Us Americans, we a Christian nation, and we ought to keep it Christian. I read the King James Bible every day since I was five years old, Church every Sunday, and don’t even think about talkin’ back to my parents cuz you’ll get a bar of soap in your mouth. Nowadays, kids don’t know how to act. Doing their devil lettuce or their vape or their juuls and their USB drives and whatnot. Now, how ya gonna raise your child Christian if they grow up with influences laak this ‘round them? I’m just tryin’ ta raise mah kids right.

When I saw that cloud of devil lettuce smoke, I knew I had to intervene, and that’s where that be. Lord Jesus forbid my child come home with a Playboy mag, I will take it to the county, I will take it to the sheriff. Our family, we’re from Farmingville Staten Island, where our chief export is tractors. But I want my kid to work on Wall Street. But god knows what happens on Wall Street. I heard stories, I sure you had too. Hookers, cocaine, all sorts of devil worship. Just laak those Stuyvesant kids.”