Photographer’s New Slogan: All Humans Are Naturally Ugly

Let’s face it: taking student ID pictures is our worst nightmare. What’s more terrifying than taking an awkward mugshot photo to be used in front of the entire student body? One that we KNOW will end up looking terrible. What’s up with those photographers anyway? They ask us to twist and turn our bodies in every uncomfortable direction and then proceed to take the picture from the WORST. POSSIBLE. ANGLE. EVER. Even my (sadly) nonexistent dog could take a better picture than they can.

Not to mention, they always manage to take the photo at the worst possible time too. They tell us to sit down, and before we’re even properly seated and looking at the camera, bam! It’s already time to leave. When did they take the photo?

When we receive our IDs, it’s clear that they took the pictures while we were still settling into the chair. Our faces are contorted, pained, our eyes half-closed, looking everywhere but at the camera, and we all have more chins than we should. Even the pictures of the few, extremely lucky people end up looking just about average (but still better than the majority of the student body).

So… why is this the case? Why do all ID pictures look ugly?

Due to my amazing connections, I was able to kindly ask one of the photographers for an interview. For privacy reasons (and because I don’t want to suddenly disappear), I will refer to her as “Ms. Pic.”

Ms. Pic’s testimony shocked me to my very core. “It’s our goal, you see, to take bad pictures. We are secret spies sent from a photography mafia, and our leader, who goes by the alias of Mr. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, pays us based on how well we do our job. Namely, how many ‘sub-optimal’ photos we take of students,” Ms. Pic explained.

“Mr. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named doesn’t believe in good lighting or angles,” she continues. “It’s simply not normal. Unlike those who think that everyone is beautiful, our president thinks that everyone is born ugly. That’s why he started his photography company—to take pictures of vulnerable teens and prove that no one is pretty.”

What a unique take on human beauty, right? Or should I say, human ugliness?

When asked if she liked her job, she replied, “What’s not to like? Crushing students’ self-esteem by imprinting them with an embarrassing photo that will stick with them for the rest of eternity—or at least, for the rest of their high school career—is a great hobby. And I even get PAID for doing it. What could be better than that?”

Ms. Pic also added that the best part of her job is hearing stories from her staff friends when students receive their IDs. “There’s a lot of funny gossip. But the funniest thing is when students try to claim that they lost their IDs and request a new one, thinking that they’ll get to retake their picture. Ha! Their disappointment when they find out that the school just reuses their previous picture for their new IDs is priceless! They get their hopes dashed and waste precious money that could have been spent on some snacks instead!”

Yikes. Well, you heard it here, folks. Getting a replacement ID does NOT mean that you can take a new picture!

As a parting gift, Ms. Pic wanted to share Mr. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s motto with everyone: “There is no ugly and attractive, there is only ugly and those too weak to admit it.”

Dwell on that, my born-ugly humans. Don’t worry, there will be many more school photos to come. And when that happens, the photographers will strike again… just make sure you get that smile ready in advance.