Pool Colored Green and Red to Increase Holiday Spirit

Stuyvesant students are outraged after the Student Union (SU) decided to dye the pool green and red to heighten holiday spirit throughout the school. This catastrophic decision has sent waves throughout the student body and has brought about a slew of terrifying health effects.

The primary effect of this bold policy was the plethora of dyed kids that arose. “It’s ridiculous,” said one of the members of the swim team, who asked to stay anonymous. “The dye isn’t washing out of our skin.” Many parents were confused, having thought that their children’s tie-dye phases were over.

Some athletes have begun to practice in the Hudson River rather than the school pool. “They’d prefer to risk their chances with hypothermia and the pollution of the Hudson rather than spend one more practice wondering if the green stains will be permanent,” an anonymous student reported. In fact, they may be justified in refusing to swim in the pool. Many students have mistakenly reported sightings of the Kool-Aid man and the Grinch walking out of the pool locker rooms. All of these reports have since been debunked to be dyed students, including a senior who terrorized a group of freshmen during Swim Gym, asking them what they were doing in his swamp.

The next revelation in the saga came last Thursday. A student was seen running out of the pool locker rooms screaming, “IT’S BROWN. THE POOL IS BROWN.” Unfortunately, it seems that over time, the red and green dyes started mixing, making the water in the pool resemblant of sewer water. There have been protests from the swim team and Swim Gym students alike, with many holding up signs reading, “Is This The Holiday Spirit You Wanted?”

Since nobody swam in the pool anymore and a schoolwide boycott had started, health inspectors were called. The health department condemned the pool as a sanitary hazard and deemed it unsafe for swimming. They also brought up the concern that there seemed to be weird barking noises coming from the lockers by the sophomore bar, but students assured them it was just the math team passing by. Art classes have been relocated to the pool instead, instructed to start a new unit: Exclusively Brown Watercolor. Swimmers have been moved to the gym, where they can be seen dutifully running laps while practicing their strokes.

The Student Union came out with a statement several days after the condemnation, attempting to explain their reckless actions. “We were not aware of how color theory would affect our plan,” the notes-app apology statement said. The attempted explanation has been met with backlash from art teachers and STC’s prop department alike, both arguing that this isn’t a matter of color theory at all, but basic common sense, as the dye was distributed in alternate lanes of the pool to begin with, but there was no other separation between the colors. The SU responded that they had never seen swimmers go across the lanes of the pool, so they assumed the dye wouldn’t either.

After winter break, the pool will be returned back to its normal state. The remainder of the chemical dye purchased by the SU has mysteriously disappeared, though it is rumored to be an inside job in order to discourage them from trying it again with the showers. Because of the backlash received this year, the SU has vouched to do better next year and redeem themselves. Current suggestions include hiring a mall Santa to hand out failed test scores and reducing the morning announcements to a succinct 25 minutes per day.