Pool Freezes Over and Traps Several Freshmen

The pool froze over following a stressful week of blizzards and several mishaps with a recent chemistry lab involving liquid nitrogen, trapping several freshmen in swim gym.

Teachers have responded with outrage, demanding that an emergency rescue squad be sent in to recover the frozen bodies. One anonymous teacher was even willing to violate department rules and offer the frozen freshmen make-up tests once rescued. Though the rescue team was armed with ice picks, chainsaws, and an industrial-grade jackhammer, the rescuers’ efforts only managed to create an inch-deep crack in the pool.

After seeing their failed attempts, the biology faculty members decided to take matters into their own hands by pouring out their scalding hot mugs of coffee onto the ice. With the combined forces of the rescue squad and about 16 propane tanks’ worth of coffee, a single pair of moldy swim trunks jammed in the water filter was successfully freed from the ice.

The subsequent shortage of coffee put the teachers in a terrible mood for the rest of the day; extensive examinations on the effects of caffeine withdrawal on the human body were given.

Sophomore Steve Wang took this opportunity to improve his floor hockey skills for gym class. “This ice is perfect for practice,” Wang declared. “It’s exactly the same hardness as the gym floor, so I get to go through the same experience of falling on my face as I do in gym, except with even more numbing pain from the cold!”

While the pool remains frozen at the time of this article’s publication, another rescue attempt is projected to take place in early February. Now armed with the school’s supply of Bunsen burners, the team expects their next rescue to be a successful one. Until then, the freshmen are expected to survive off dank memes viewed through a giant projector above the pool.