President’s Day Parade

During President’ Day weekend, President Trump expanded the time-honored festivities by holding a military parade (in addition to games of “pin the tail on Jeff Sessions” and shredding—I mean “confetti making” contests). The president held a press conference over Twitter originally revealing that there would be no nuclear weapons in the procession, but after some ‘fine people’ with Pepe avatars complained that it was too weak, the president complied and promised to build more ‘hüge nukes’ for the occasion. A Spectator source identified as Justin Leakin’ led this reporter to a plot hidden in r/AlexJonesIsMyDaddy: to hold the military parades in Sanctuary Cities across the nation. Reddit user LibTears made sure to clarify that they “are not to be construed with a military occupation.”

The New York Times published an editorial condemning this plan for its prohibitive costs and Sean Hannity, the foundation upon which all media rests, applauded the idea for “spreading the holiday cheer.” He attacked any opposition of the spectacle:

“What has America turned into? These snowflakes are waging a war on Christm—I mean Presidents’ Day. I encourage my viewers to be the pawns—I mean prongs of attack: disciplining those that refuse to, or can’t, stand for The Anthem. You will only be helping them, because the law clearly states you must stand for The Anthem. I know when I am watching football—America’s sport—I always find myself standing in front of my T.V. whenever they play The Anthem. Call me what you will but I am ideologically pure. I never contradict myself…We are going to make America America again. And what’s more American than a military parade? Especially with nukes. While we go to commercial, send in your thoughts on Presidents’ Day with #YesMyPresidentsDay.”

After Hannity's audience trashed their Keurig machines, they replied to their leader’s call with ideas such as naming each Presidents’ Day after the president currently in office (sent by user Johииy_дmerica, who hoped to see a Kanye Day in 2020).

With all of this hullabaloo about how to celebrate Presidents’ Day, I think (partially because my last article was ridiculed for being too short) that you should be educated on what Presidents’ Day really is.

Presidents’ Day was originally called Washington’s Birthday, but Congress really pulled through when it was moved to a Monday along with several other holidays to create more three-day weekends for the working class…Probably followed up by cutting their boss’s taxes and gutting their welfare. I wouldn’t know because no one expects a well-researched Humor article on 1960s politics.

Historically though, Presidents’ Day has been known as the most revered holiday in America. What kid doesn’t grow up desperately waiting for the date to be February…something so that the Presidents’ Day festivities finally begin? “I spend the rest of the year constructing my shrine to Washington and tagging all of my friends in edgy Presidents’ Day memes. There’s really nothing as magical as the celebrations on Presidents’ Day: eating bald eagles, tattooing the entire Constitution as a tramp stamp, and engaging in reckless consumerism,” reported one student at Stuyvesant High School, who was dressed entirely in an American flag and spontaneously broke out into the “Star Spangled Banner.”

Oh right, back to the nukes rumbling (impressively) through The Village (like, how can they fit?). Ummm. Protest and attendance would look pretty similar…Maybe I should call the Opinions Department and see what they think we should do.