Program Office Gone Fishing

After finals were completed, the Program Office released students’ new schedules. Like the Stuyvesant students they serve, every member of the Program Office procrastinated all semester. The Friday before students’ new schedules were to be released, everyone in the Program Office barricaded themselves in room 627 in preparation for the influx of Talos requests. According to junior Victor Kuang, Rodda John (‘17) camped outside the room with a laptop and attempted to simultaneously fix Talos, play the archaic and irrelevant game Big Fish, and ward off the security guards who tried to escort him out.

“It was really funny how his face kept getting redder and redder even though he kept talking calmly to the guards,” Kuang said.

When The Spectator emailed John about this incident, he replied that he had successfully bribed the security guards by inviting them on a fishing trip. “They would only leave us alone if we let them come with us on our month-long fishing trip,” John said. “They were as excited as we were about catching some Big Fish and avoiding hearing ‘Miss me with that BS’ in the hallways.”

The counseling department arrived on Thursday, January 24, to find a sign on the Program Office’s door that read “Gone Fishing,” along with an illustration of the mythical fish #2 from Big Fish. Being critically understaffed, the guidance counselors decided to veto every program change request. They even hacked into Talos and forced it to spend all day syncing. Sophomore Laith Bahlouli spoke at length to The Spectator about his attempts to get into AP Swim Gym.

“It’s the only one that takes place in the Hudson River, but they said that it would be occupied for the next few weeks. The weird thing was that my guidance counselor had a fishing rod in his office and was fidgeting around, like he couldn’t wait to catch fish from the second floor,” he said.

Sophomore Lamia Haque came to school at the same time a hybrid car pulled up to the main entrance. She reported that Marissa Maggio, a biology teacher and infamous environmentalist at Stuyvesant, jumped out of the car and began running toward the Hudson River. Haque followed her and told The Spectator about an altercation between Maggio and John.

MAGGIO: “Why did you stick a soccer ball on this poor anglerfish’s head?”
JOHN: “Don’t worry about it. I just need to catch another one of those and I can finally combine them to create the mythical fish #2!”

At that very moment, Bahlouli’s guidance counselor swung his fishing rod from a second floor window and yoinked! John’s fish.

“Fish, swish, fish. Another fish in the basket,” he sang.

Outraged, John entered the building via the second floor entrance, but found the lobby occupied by a group of angry students. Rearing their heads, they began shouting all at once.

“We found Talos!”
“Miss me with that Shanny B biology!”
“How’s Khevelev with annualized CS?”
“My program changes da vanished!”

John was soon overtaken by the horde of angry students, who immediately performed a satanic ritual and summoned Moran to confiscate his phone. They forced John to spend all day fixing Talos. Unfortunately, all the steam coming out of their ears damaged the Tribeca Bridge’s paint, prompting the administration to shut down the second floor entrance for the foreseeable future.

Rumor has it that Ms. Maggio is still trying to remove fish #1’s soccer ball.