Programming Office Pandemonium

As AP and elective selections have recently been released, the programming office has decided to discreetly announce its changes to the upcoming fall semester’s course selection process by hiding the new process in Talos’s terms and conditions in Morse code so that only those truly worthy of AP Lunch could get it.

Firstly, each student must enter the programming office exactly during their two minute and 47 second meeting. Those with the heaviest backpacks were given the chance to choose their time slot first, followed by those with a GPA closest to their OSIS number, and finally, those who were able to bribe the administration with the most pieces of gum. 

This policy caused major controversy among students. “Well, obviously this system is biased toward the freshmen. I don’t even carry around a backpack… I would never. Oh yeah, I have this trendy tote bag instead! Uh no, I am not getting shoulder pains. At least I don’t have scoliosis, okay?” a rising senior commented. 

“No, my GPA is not a nine-digit number. No, I’m not telling you my OSIS number. Oh, you want my phone number? Of course! Wow… my mom was right. I guess I do have rizz,” a desperate sophomore added.

The freshmen, however, adore the administration’s new system. “My 29 binders, 15 notebooks, 87 folders, and 54 pens have finally served their purpose. And obviously my GPA is exactly nine digits high. Extra credit! And I have enough gum to supply me for ermmm… exactly 479 days!” a freshman said, who happened to get a priority programming meeting.

Later on, we followed a sophomore into her meeting, which was scheduled to be in the pool locker rooms. However, that was just a typo in the email and instead, the meeting was held on the auditorium stage. The student’s family members were also invited, including her parents, siblings, grandparents, and 25 cousins, all of whom sat in the front row. 

After she arrived three seconds late, she received a stern talking to from Mr. Moran and her parents. Yet, the student was still allowed to proceed with her selections. 

First, to choose her APs, she was given a 3x3 scratch-off ticket. If she got three in a row of the same AP class, she had to take that AP class but could also choose three more by fishing from the makeshift pond in the band pit. As the sophomore began scratching her boxes, we watched in suspense with her family. 

“I won. I got AP Physics C…” she announced to us in fear. 

After fishing out her other AP classes, which ended up being AP Lunch, APENG, and AP Calc YZ, her meeting was over. “It was interesting, I guess. Honestly, I prefer this system. At least if we get placed in a certain class, it’s our fault,” she told us after the meeting.

Unfortunately, this system isn’t working out for everyone. Numerous students have complained about ending up with schedules that contain more classes than periods. “I have 20 classes and there are only 10 periods! No matter how many times I ask my guidance counselor for help, he always says that there’s nothing he can do. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to show up to class, let alone finish my homework! I should have transferred to Brooklyn Tech when I had the chance,” a freshman commented.

There have also been reports of students not getting any classes. One sophomore who found herself in this situation wasn’t sure if she should be happy or upset about this. “I mean, I love that I won’t have to go to school every day, but what if this ruins my chances for getting into an Ivy? I also just realized that I can’t even do anything because my friends will be at school! On top of that, I really need classes to boost my GPA next year since AP Chem completely tanked it.”

Several teachers have also expressed their irritation about having to teach so many classes next year. “I don’t understand what the programming office is doing,” one annoyed teacher exclaimed. “Somehow, I’m supposed to teach four sections of AP Lunch. The first two are first and second period and the other two are ninth and tenth! Who wants to eat lunch at those times? And to top it off, I don’t even get a break to actually eat lunch because every other period I’m stuck teaching P.E. to a bunch of freshmen. The amount of times I’ve been hit in the head with a soccer ball by an uncoordinated freshman this year is NOT okay. I can’t do this anymore!”

Some students have gone to desperate measures to meet with their guidance counselors. “I caused a small fire the other day so I could try to talk with my guidance counselor during the evacuation. I managed to find him and asked him to take AP Lunch, AP Biology, and AP Spanish next year. Luckily, I got to him before all of the chaos caused by the bored students happened, so he said yes! I’m totally doing this again next year. I’ll need to get another phone by then though,” an anonymous student told us before going over to their friend to play Brawl Stars.

On top of all that, the programming office has introduced a few new electives. For example, to replace Forensics, the biology department has decided to get a little more hands-on. Next year, there will be two sections of a crime elective titled, “How to Get Away With Murder (and Everything Else)”. As part of the course, students will learn how to rob Terry’s, pick the locks to the 11th floor, and many other skills. The final will require the students to break into Mr. Moran’s safe, full of confiscated phones and AirPods. “I wanted an elective to boost my GPA, but now, all I can learn is how to forge my GPA. But hey, that sounds pretty great too,” said a rising senior, who seemed to be on his way to committing tax fraud. 

Another elective that the English department is now offering is the Sparknotes class, a class that teaches you how to be able to convince even the most skeptical English teacher that you’ve read a book. Students are delighted at the prospect of being able to learn how to successfully trick their teachers to get easy 100s in English next year. Unfortunately, this elective is only available to rising sophomores, so rising juniors and seniors will need to actually read their English books.

Overall, the programming office’s new policies have been divisive throughout the school. For now, I really have to learn how to get into AP Lunch… 

Good luck with course selections! And may the odds be ever in your favor.