Progress Update #39

About a month and a half ago, I was appointed to my dream job. Ever since I heard the word “bureaucracy” a few years ago, I have worked and studied and concentrated super duper hard, and now that concentration has finally paid off. The position is called the Assistant Principal of Everything Meaningless, Drab, and Silly (my colleagues call me Assistant PEMDAS for short). Fancy, right? I certainly thought so. Right after signing my job contract, I immediately updated my profile on BrokenOut (the LinkedIn logo was too blue for me) so that my ex-girlfriend and her ugly, new boyfriend would feel jealous.

Today, I am turning in my “Progress Report” for the month of February to receive my bonus for the upcoming month, which I will use to fund my vacation to Aruba (there is a nice all-inclusive travel deal from the #TravelWithHotties travel agency which I would like to purchase). Nonetheless, I find myself lost, for I have done so much in the last month that I am unsure if it will all fit into this document, which must be typed single-spaced in 12-point Times New Roman font. I hate rules. Who comes up with such absurdities anyway?

My first order of business on February 1 was to extend the month of February so that it would be just as long as its friends. I met a great deal of resistance on this topic, as other people with poor taste, including my lump of an assistant, like the number 28. I hate the number 28. Upon hearing their horrid opinions, I immediately reminded my inferiors that I outranked them and promptly changed the number of days in the month of February to 37. This is a very nice prime number, so I thought it would do well for the month of nothingness, otherwise known as February. I have sent a carrier pigeon to February’s house to inquire about its current progress and preparation for the upcoming month of February in 2022.

Next, I mandated an official process for cereal consumption. All cereal consumers now must pour cereal before milk. Since this crime against humanity has been an issue on the forefront of my mind ever since an unfortunate incident with a milk-before-cereal believer in eighth grade (which is still too painful to recount), I figured the consequences should be absolutely horrific. They are as follows: permanent banning from the purchasing of both Lucky Charms and Cheerios and a lifelong ear implant that will blast “I Like to Move It” by Alvin and the Chipmunks in the law-breaker’s left ear. Hopefully, these repercussions will be enough of a deterrent for any cereal consumers who still retain such an unseemly and childlike habit. For people bold enough to experiment with other forms of cereal consumption, there is also a punishment. These people will be sent to a camp called “Experimenting With Experimenters,” where they will be test subjects for my future projects. I haven’t decided precisely what they’ll be used as guinea pigs for, but I am considering a few things. The first is seeing how much sour cream people can consume before turning mushy. The second is observing how long it takes for people watching the movie “Cats” (2019) to vomit.

My next crowning achievement was mandating nationwide baldness. I have seen baldness in a few people and found it both convenient and attractive. Now, everybody must be bald. I have decided on this mandate for a number of reasons, the foremost being that it will eradicate the need for mirrors since everybody will now shine together with their luminescent bald heads. Oh, how I love shiny things! My main concern with this mandate was that people would mistake each other for thumbs. Upon second thought, I realized this situation would not be such an awful thing. I love thumbs—after all, they are the only thing that makes humans special. Nationwide haircuts begin tomorrow. Additionally, I’ve started a contest called the “Shiniest of the Shiny,” in which people will compete for a year-long supply of the Dunkin’ Donuts Charli drink, which tastes like a mix of ash and marshmallows and has left me with severe bowel movement issues on multiple occasions. But I love it nonetheless, and I hope “Shiniest of the Shiny” winners (and their bowels) do too.

One second. My overpriced Chipotle burrito with extra guacamole; extra, extra sour cream; and extra, extra, extra corn has just arrived, so I will be back shortly to finish up the “Progress Update.” Bye-bye for now!