Pull Up to Stuy for Pull-Ups!

Do you want to get a summer beach body, even though you’re just gonna watch Netflix and inhale ice cream? Need to lose some weight, but don’t have time to hit the gym? Or do you wanna look ripped while being the Stuy scholar you are? If so, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s your handy guide on how to do calisthenics at and around Stuy!

“Why Stuy?” you may ask. Well, as a very large school, Stuy has all sorts of things in its arsenal, from gyms to weightlifting rooms to even a joke department in the school paper! There are limitless combinations of the utility of Stuy’s resources, so we must make each one of them count.

“Wait, what are calisthenics?”

I’m glad you asked! Calisthenics is about using your own bodyweight to work out, without dumbbells or barbells. Push-ups and sit-ups are two examples you should be familiar with. Anyhow, here are some great places in or near Stuy where you can do calisthenics!

BATHROOMS

Here’s how it works: you kick down the bathroom door, zoom past the questionably hygienic plumbing installations, and search frantically for an unoccupied bathroom stall, all while holding your breath. You’re getting your cardio in already!

For this next part, you should ideally choose a toilet that hasn’t been flushed yet (it’s not like you’ll have a choice). Bonus points if it’s still nice and warm. Grab the sides of the toilet seat, jump, and flip yourself so that your arms are straight, your feet are in the air, and your head is pointing downward and hovering above the toilet seat. Congratulations, you’ve achieved your first handstand!

If you want to make the exercise harder, you can always get a friend to flush the toilet repeatedly while pushing you into the water. Only true calisthenics gods can give themselves swirlies by dunking themselves in and out of the toilet bowl.

MARINE CORPS RECRUITMENT CENTER

Chances are you’ve never set foot inside this building on 165 Chambers Street, but the people in there are actually quite chill. Remember, they’re Marines, not monsters! (Wait, those are different things?) They’ve got pull-up bars and exercise machines EVERYWHERE! Plus, there’s no shortage of people who can spot you and make sure you’re doing your workouts correctly and safely. Just be warned that if you flex too much here, you might get whacked unconscious and wake up in Marine Corps boot camp.

SWIM GYM LOCKER ROOMS

The first thing you should do when you strut into the Swim Gym locker rooms is head on over to the shower area, where you can grab onto the shower curtain bars and start pulling yourself up. If some rebel is actually showering before swimming, start swinging your legs and give the silly chap a kick in the ribs to knock him back to his senses. That way, not only can you work out your arms and back, but you can also work out your legs too. Afterward, you should lick the rust flakes that rub onto your hands from the shower curtain bars. They’ll provide you with all the iron you’ll need to become a great athlete. Just don’t let the Swim Gym teachers know about it, or else they’ll make you pee in a cup.