Querida Clara: Issue 13

Querida Clara,

“How do you deal with teachers that just DON’T seem to like you?” —Anonymous Sophomore

Those who seek to curry favor with teachers have many options. “Go to office hours,” some people advise. “Be respectful! Show interest!” These people are wrong.

What teachers really seek is someone hardcore. They seek a student who is willing to go to the next level. I, for instance, demonstrate engagement by getting supersized tattoos of my teachers’ faces emblazoned onto my biceps. I then surprise-reveal these tattoos at unexpected moments during class (if you look at the above art, you will see that it is a depiction of me doing exactly this).

Some people are not ready for tattoos. That is okay. Basic human decency tends to go over just as well with teachers, and I have never known anybody to object to an extra ‘hello’ every now and then. Teachers are humans, albeit with formal prefixes in front of their names, so your usual tactics of seduction ought to go over just as well with them as with any other people. Everybody seeks to be understood, and indeed, as the word implies, you must look UNDERthe outer layer of a person to truly understand them and be understood.