risoned At Stuyvesant

Convicted felon and former President Donald Trump is getting a jail cell…at Stuyvesant. New York Supreme Court Justice Juan Merchan decided to sentence Trump to four years of prison here. He explained his reasoning in a statement to The Spectator, stating that “The pressure cooker of Stuyvesant High School is a greater punishment than even solitary confinement at Alcatraz. Six hours a night of homework would ruthlessly massacre Trump.”

Trump will begin his day with a daily double-period physical education class, where he will have to cycle for 100 miles continuously. He’ll then endure two periods of AP Environmental Science, where he’ll be forced to withhold his beliefs in the nonexistence of anthropogenic climate change in order to avoid being tackled by Assistant Principal of Safety and Security Brian Moran. Following this will be AP African American Studies, where he’ll hear egalitarian ideas of ending racial injustice and AP Psychology, where he’ll involuntarily explore radical concepts such as that gender is a social construct. In his AP United States History class, he’ll be confronted with the fact that America has done bad things in the past and is shockingly not a perfect country, and to round off his academic roster, he’ll take AP Music Theory, where he’ll have to withhold his urge to play “Fortunate Son.” His prison cell when he is not suffering at Stuyvesant will consist of a broom closet on the 10th floor, where he will be able to cry himself to sleep at night like the rest of us. In order to be released from prison, he will need to get 100s on all tests in all classes for four continuous years.

Trump was obviously quite infuriated with his sentencing. In a speech he delivered at Stuyvesant, he stated, “The woke radical Marxist left is trying to suffocate me and the MAGA movement. They got a kangaroo jury to ‘convict’ me on bogus charges of ‘insulting Stuyvesant’ just because they don’t want me to have my private fun with Stormy Daniels. And now they want to send me here? To exercise? To do homework and tests? To be stuck in a building that doesn’t always have functional escalators? To support the woke gender ideology? To attack America and not consider America the greatest country in the world? To support socialist ideas like art having beauty? This is RIDICULOUS! If you don’t vote for me, the woke radical Marxist left is going to DESTROY this country!”

Reactions at Stuyvesant were quite positive regarding the internment. Junior Navneet Nicklas stated, “Finally, Trump will understand how the students he demeans daily in his speeches and proposed policies actually feel. He can enjoy being waterboarded by AP Chemistry tests and buried alive by cycling until his feet fall off.” Students had little sympathy for Trump in the traditionally liberal environment, but the rare conservatives were considerably depressed. Incoming freshman Christoffel Ivo stated, “Us conservatives are collectively disappointed and infuriated that our Dear Leader Donald John Trump is being persecuted by the woke radical Marxist left and left to the same fate as us who are fellow victims of the woke radical Marxist left. I will not stand for this anti-America agenda and intend to resist by any means necessary to prevent Trump’s persecution by these communists. In fact, to become one with Trump and show our solidarity, we must all acquire orange tans and wear ill-fitting suits.”

Trump will begin his internment at Stuyvesant on July 4. If he is elected president in this upcoming election, his Oval Office will move to the broom closet, where he will somehow have to run the country while likely being taunted and assaulted by Stuyvesant students. But hey, maybe those orange tans will help free him!