Rudolph’s Revenge

In a world full of nuclear superpowers, we are familiar with world-ending danger. But today’s threat isn’t from Russia, rising sea levels, or the risk of touching grass. Instead, this threat comes from a different “R”: Rudolph. Our favorite Christmas mascot, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, has gone bad. This morning, billions woke up to a large stack of papers titled “Rudolph’s Manifesto” instead of the usual gifts under the tree.

These papers detailed his grievances and two demands to be met before he would “destroy Christmas once and for all.”

The first demand is a worldwide ban on the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” He wants all copies to be confiscated, and anyone caught distributing or listening to “the cursed song” has to serve a five-year sentence as one of his elves.

The second is for a ban on Santas everywhere. All mall Santas are to quit immediately and turn in their beards, and parents are to stop perpetuating the lies of Santa’s existence. Failure to comply will result in an avalanche of coal, dooming one to exist in pure darkness.

You might wonder why Rudolph, the star of every Christmas, would suddenly turn into a Grinch. It turns out that the heartwarming underdog story that we’ve sung every winter season was a lie; the real story is much darker.

The Spectator was able to contact the North Pole and interview some elves. In fear of repercussions, they have chosen to remain anonymous. However, as we interviewed them, the real facts started emerging. One elf described Rudolph as “a troubled reindeer.” After Santa discovered Rudolph’s red nose, Rudolph was at first overjoyed, but he soon became bitter. A close friend of Rudolph revealed that “Rudolph was angry at Santa for allowing the exclusion to go on for so long—he had just wanted to play reindeer games with all the other reindeer.”

In the past few months, Rudolph staged a coup that ultimately ended in a takeover of the North Pole from Santa. Luckily, Mrs. Claus was able to escape during the chaos. “Rudolph trapped my husband in the chimney…he’s still there. I can still hear his ‘ho ho ho’s haunting me inside my dream. If only he had listened to me and cut down on his cookie intake. One cookie less, and he wouldn’t be dangling above the fireplace,” Claus said. She then became too distraught to continue.

The situation in the North Pole is pretty bleak as well. We spoke to the newly formed elves union. “Rudolph cut back our hours from 22 a day to just 16. Without working in factories all day long, we have no idea what to do with our lives. We’ve had to turn to knitting, arson, and spending time with our family—it's absolutely terrible. We demand a restoration of our work hours.”

All international organizations have been alerted and are discussing this situation as we speak. NATO has stated in a press release that they “will be sending out their very best team of construction workers who will take down the Santa-trapping chimney brick-by-brick if needed.” The Red Cross, in collaboration with The Lumistella Company, has promised to evacuate the elves and “relocate them to various factories and to make Elf on the Shelf™️ all day, every day until their death.”

To the families wondering how they can keep themselves safe, the U.S. government has announced a new program that solves two problems at once. They are going to produce a new line of weapons in bright colors so they look like toys. In the words of the President, “I can see no way this would backfire in any way. Be sure to arm all your kids, so that if they see Rudolph, they can take him down with their rocket launcher.”

Hopefully, with this rapid response, this situation will be over before we know it. Until then, The Spectator will keep you updated on the situation.