San Francisco Mayor Announces New Program To Safely Dispose of Dead Bodies; Says It Will Help Fight Climate Change and Pollution

CALIFORNIA, 4:20 a.m. — San Francisco Mayor London Breed has announced the creation of a new city-wide initiative that she says will help combat the city’s incessant pollution problem. It’s called “Dispose-A-Body” (D.A.B. for short), and it’s the first program of its kind in the world.

In an official statement given in front of San Francisco’s first “victim disposal facility,” a mayoral aide praised the city government for doing the right thing. “We’re very proud of our coworkers for not fighting us on this one and bending to the mayor’s wi- I mean, embracing the common will of the people. We hope D.A.B. will discourage troubled delinquents from dumping the dead bodies of their victims out on the street for anyone to see and smell. Instead, they’ll have the clean, environmentally friendly option of bringing the body to a D.A.B. disposal facility. We hope to target younger serial killers specifically, which is why we went with a kid-friendly name for the program. You know, for the kids who haven’t YOLO’d out of society yet!” At this, the aide took a hit, dabbed for 30 seconds, and continued. “At the facility, the body will be recycled in the production of phosphorus. San Franciscans can take comfort in knowing that even in death, they’ll be able to serve a larger purpose—maximizing efficiency in our great city,” the aide stated.

Mayor Breed then took the stage to extremely loud, enthusiastic, and patriotic applause. He elaborated by saying that D.A.B. will serve as a crime deterrent citywide. “It’s really simple. If troubled delinquents, or as far-right Republicans would call them, murderers, see that their efforts to pollute the streets with bodies are negated by a progressive factory like this one, they will stop murdering people.”

Breed went on to elaborate on one of the main goals of D.A.B.—to fight climate change. “Every day, the average human exhales a very big amount of carbon dioxide. You people probably know it as see-oh-too. So this chemical, very harmful, very bad, the trees eat it, right? It goes into the trees. And it’s so bad for the trees that they have to give up their own; inside of them, they have to sacrifice their own precious oxygen to get it out. So D.A.B. will actually help the trees. Very big help, very powerful tools at work here.”

When asked about the origin of the phosphorus recycling idea of D.A.B., the mayor made a vague reference to a book by Aldrich Hudson. When pressed about whether its goals were grounded in reality at all, the mayor said, “Well, you know. These things are always very expensive. Maybe it’ll work, maybe not. I don’t care anyway. Can we get a parade? A parade. With balloons and cars, yeah? Ok, you’re fired.” A press release posted on social media the following day clearly laid out D.A.B.’s goals and purpose: “Lmao [heck] Trump YO DO NOT POST THA”

The flagship factory of D.A.B. now stands on the famous intersection of Dead Body Drive and Human Remains Road, where a pizza place called “St. John’s Famous & Original Catholic Children’s Center and Pizza Place With No Basements Whatsoever” once stood. However, the brand new building is sure to attract tourists and, hopefully, gentrification. Your correspondent signs off with the usual farewell—praise our Lord and Savior, Al Gore!