Scientists Warn About Spread of New “Zombie Illness”

Scientists and doctors across the country are baffled by the emergence of a strange new disease that is causing millions of Americans to enter a zombie-like state. It’s unclear how deadly the disease is or how it spreads, though reports show the phenomenon appears to come every spring, when trees and flowers begin to bloom. The wave begins in warmer states and slowly spreads upward. The entire American South has already fallen prey to the illness and has become a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Unsurprisingly, Florida has not changed at all during this tragedy.

The disease seems to work in phases, though many of the infected appear to exhibit different sets of symptoms. The phases of the disease are as follows.

It begins with a painful burning sensation in the eyes. Anyone experiencing this symptom is advised to avoid touching the face at all costs. If contact with the face is made, it will lead to itchiness and intense swelling of the eyes. It is described as endless ocular agony, and no amount of rubbing will help relieve the pain. Coincidentally, this symptom only begins when patients are outdoors and exposed to trees. No correlation has been drawn between these events yet.

Those in phase one should immediately be quarantined to halt the spread of disease and should make sure to wash themselves thoroughly. A set of quarantine goggles is reportedly being developed by Amazon to help protect people from activating the disease. These goggles start at $49.95, with a premium version that includes a strap marketed at $69.98 (plus $12.49 for shipping and handling). Although criticism for this blatant monetization of an essential resource was expected, strangely, no politician or news station has spoken out on it.

Phase two of the disease involves extreme irritation of the throat, which patients will usually wake up with unexpectedly, usually just days after entering phase one. Victims have described it as a searing pain in the back of the throat, as well as a burning, itching sensation. Infected individuals typically soon develop a loud, hacking cough in response, which is impossible to alleviate. It remains unclear how contagious this cough is, but scientists are conducting intense research in order to come to a unified consensus. In the meantime, they would like to respectfully ask the Catholic Church to stop trying to exorcise those with the cough. They do not understand why Pope Francis is allowing this practice, but it is unhelpful.

Phase three of the disease has been reports of extreme bloodlust and rage in patients, mainly in those who are under the highest observation from scientists. Now, I’m no doctor, but maybe, just MAYBE, that situation might be a separate issue. I don’t know. Just my opinion.

The final stage of the illness is what baffles doctors the most: extreme fatigue. And you may be saying, but Caroline, I’ve had extreme fatigue for the past two years! And while that may be true, this fatigue isn’t your typical gifted-kid-burnout-depressive-episode exhaustion. It has caused whole cities to crumble as exhausted, coughing people roam the streets, bleeding from the eyes, nose, and mouth. Imagine the sticky iPad child who blasts their Cocomelon YouTube videos on the train at full volume without headphones. Now imagine if that child met “The Walking Dead.” That combination is what we are up against. Scientists have advised the general populace to remain as far away from these individuals as possible in order to prevent further spread of the disease.

We at The Spectator urge everyone to remain safe and indoors and hope that this new mystery epidemic will be sorted out soon.

UPDATE:

Scientists have just discovered that the mystery disease is not a disease at all, but it is actually just a reaction to tree pollen. This breakthrough was discovered by an unpaid intern who looked at the data for 30 seconds before putting the pieces together. Unfortunately, since making the discovery that has gotten rid of the easily-exploitable public health crisis, the intern has disappeared under mysterious circumstances.