Seniors Afflicted By Severe Health Crises

Over the past several weeks, many senior classes have seen their ranks of students decimated by various health crises. The peaks of the crises develop around the first of the months of November, December, and January.

Notably, no senior was well enough to make it to school on November 1, 2017. Teachers first assumed that the seniors were suffering from Halloween-related maladies, but the excuse notes pouring in the next day painted an entirely different picture. Seniors were universally struck by illness; excuse notes cited “fever,” “headache,” and “just didn’t feel well.” There was even one case of a “severe stomachache.”

Fortunately enough, teachers have developed immunity to the diseases that seniors have carried. As their students recover from their motley of illnesses at home, teachers have taken the time to pile on much-deserved tests and projects.

The seniors who were well enough to return to school on November 2nd were met with missed pop quizzes, new essay assignments, and test dates. “You miss a day of school, and all of a sudden you pull five all-nighters just to catch up,” one anonymous senior lamented. “Well, guess what? I’ll just come down with a ‘severe stomachache’ next week—hopefully on a day that not too many of my classmates will pick.”

The administration has taken notice of the latest epidemic by issuing vaccination notices to seniors. In addition, they have found similar sickness outbreaks in the attendance records of previous senior classes.