Seven Ways to Get a Five on the AP Exams

Hey, Stuy students! Are you mildly dreading your AP exams? Do you also feel like you might get a score below a five on your exam and thus be disowned by your family and thrown to the wolves? Have you been slacking off this entire year, learned nothing, and now have no idea what any part of the subject involves? Well, have no fear, for we have your Lucky Seven tips to guarantee* a five on your AP exams.

*maybe

1. Study for two weeks straight before the test.

Sleep is for the weak, while food and showers are government plots to stop you from studying. You know that. Just stay home and study for two weeks straight, and you’ll know everything that could possibly be on the test. And don’t worry, you’re not hallucinating—trees are supposed to be purple.

2. Replace your blood with coffee.

Like tip one, you can’t fall asleep if you’re wide awake for the entire test. But why stop there? The human body is 60 percent water, but it shouldn’t be too hard to drain it and make it 60 percent coffee. You’ll never have to sleep again. After all, there are absolutely no negative effects of having no water in your body.^{(citation needed)}

3. Scribble all your answers in a made-up language.

If they can’t read your work, the test graders might give up and give you full credit on the FRQs, pretending that they actually read your work! Just remember only to use languages that have no basis in reality, like “French.”

4. Bribe the proctor.

The only thing stopping you from taking out your 350-page reference guide is the proctor, so why not just pay them off? It might cost you an arm and a leg, a toaster, a third of your soul, decent coffee, or a Nigerian prince’s bank account, but that’s what you must do to get that five.

5. Hack the College Board website.

Everybody knows that the admin password to College Board is “what is my password again,” so why not hack the site and give yourself a five? If you are caught, threaten to leak the hack to the press if you don’t get a five. Is this permanent? Will this actually give you a five and not jail time? Yes!^{(citation needed)}

6. Challenge your local College Board agent to a duel.

As per the 1825 College Board v. The State of Education ruling, if you make it through the eight-hour wait time on Customer Support, you can challenge a Customer Service agent to a duel (you get to choose what kind of duel). If you win the duel, they automatically give you a five. But remember, if you lose, they have the legal right to throw you into the Hudson River and force you to swim to Purgatory New Jersey, so be careful!

7. Just know everything.

This is the most reliable yet hardest-to-use tip on the list. The trick is to spend the entire year slowly studying and constantly reviewing the curriculum. Then, memorize it again and practice it. When the AP comes around, you’ll have everything stored in your brain. Oh wait, it’s already AP season. I guess you’re doomed!

And that’s about everything you need to know to pass your AP exams. Just remember to stay calm, follow one of these tips on the exam, and don’t get anything below a five, or you will get disowned! Good luck and remember: DON’T PANIC.

Note: I take no responsibility for any blood loss, heart attacks, cold water, learning “French,” debts, bricking of computers, exposure to New Jersey, failures, parental disappointments, or deaths associated with following these tips. Follow at your own risk.