SHOCKING TEACHERS TAKE ON INTERNET DEBATES (NOT CLICKBAIT!!)

Since the dawn of the internet, certain questions with no definitive answers have arisen. Reddit wars have been waged. Friendships have been irrevocably damaged. A single YouTube comment could lead to hundreds of angry responses, all fiercely defending their own opinion. But have you ever wondered what your teachers thought about these controversies? Have no fear, the Spectator Humor Department is here! We scoured the school floors and our Stuyvesant inboxes to uncover the critical opinions of teachers, with interviews and genuine quotes from your educators! 

*Clarification: Mr. Moran and Mr. Bologna were interviewed together. Kudos to Mr. Simon for sending us over!

1. Is a hotdog a sandwich?

Mr. Simon (Dean): Yes. Closing the bun makes it a sandwich. [A hotdog] isn’t exactly like a [sandwich], but I see it as a sandwich. 

Mr. Moran (Assistant Principal): No. Because it’s a hotdog. 

Mr. Bologna (Physical Education Teacher): No. 

Ms. Alonso (Computer Science Teacher): No. Because it’s a hot dog. If you define a hot dog as two pieces of bread, it’s a sandwich. When I think of a sandwich I think of sandwich bread. But it’s a hot dog. [If I had to choose,] I would say no. 

Ms. Pohan (English Teacher): If you walk into a deli and ask for “a ham and cheese,” they will ask, “What kind of bread?” because they will know you’re asking for a sandwich. And if you ask instead for “a ham and cheese sandwich” they will also ask “What kind of bread?” But if you ask for “a hot dog,” they won’t ask, “What kind of bread?” If you ask for “a hot dog sandwich,” they will think you're weird. So no. A hot dog is not a sandwich. 

Mx. Stuzin (English Teacher): There are so many ways to tackle this existential question. I could reference Cube Theory and make the argument that a Vanilla Soy Latte is a three-bean soup wet salad, or bare my soul and tell you with great shame that my favorite way to eat a hotdog is bunless. But, to be frank, a hotdog/sandwich is merely a distraction created to confuse the masses. Have you ever thought about why a hotdog is the shape it is? Patriarchy! 

Mr. Wang (Economics Teacher): These are the things that keep me up at night… what the heck… I think it is — It’s a sandwich! The real question in life is, are open sandwiches sandwiches?

1. Does a straw have one hole or two holes?

Mr. Simon: One hole because it goes through one end and exits on the other end. Technically, it’s still the same hole. You can make the argument that it’s two holes but it’s just one whole… hole. 

Ms. Alonso: It’s one long hole. Because it starts and ends, it’s a long hole but it’s just one. 

Mr. Moran: One. It’s one long hole.

Mr. Bologna: Two, because [there’s] one on the top and one on the bottom. 

Ms. Pohan: A straw doesn’t have any holes. It is a tunnel. 

Mx. Stuzin: Why does soda taste so good coming from a straw, but water tastes so bad? I think microscopic warlocks live in the straw tunnel and change the flavor.

Mr. Wang: Ah… these are tough ones! One! I don’t know why, it’s my instinct.

1. Would you rather fight a chicken-sized kangaroo or a kangaroo-sized chicken? Why? (Assume the average chicken is 2 feet tall and a kangaroo is 6 feet tall)

Mr. Simon: Neither, I’m not choosing. I don’t like fights and I’m not for fights. Animals have feelings and feel pain, so no fight. Kangaroos hit hard too.  

Ms. Alonso: Chicken-sized kangaroo. Because it’s smaller. A chicken being larger would be harder for me to control. 

Mr. Moran: I would fight both of them at once. I’m strong. 

Mr. Bologna: I would rather fight the kangaroo because it gives me an advantage since it’s smaller. I can punt the little kangaroo like a football; it's only a couple pounds, versus a giant chicken that can peck me. 

Ms. Pohan: A chicken-sized kangaroo would be safest. And I could maybe trick it into being my friend. 

Mx. Stuzin: [Kangaroo.] Chickens are 65 million years old, and I don't want to find out why. Plus, I've always wanted to meet a kangaroo. I love their accents.

Mr. Wang: I would fight the kangaroo-sized chicken because I want to eat it. That’s all there is to say! And kangaroos are dangerous—they kick.

1. What are your thoughts on Crocs at school? 

Mr. Simon: As long as you’re happy, wear what you want. I wouldn’t come home from school in Crocs—walking up and down train [station] stairs in Crocs isn’t my thing. Sneakers are better than Crocs because they are a lot more comfortable. 

Ms. Alonso: I have no issue with it. It’s style. I don’t mind. Yeah, there’s teachers who wear Crocs. I think it’s up to the individual; everyone has their own style. The days where students don’t come in I might wear them, but not for a regular school day. 

Mr. Moran: It’s fine for students, but not for teachers. 

Mr. Bologna: Crocs are comfortable, but not safe unless you’re in sports mode. Especially with socks as it’s more slippery.

Ms. Pohan: I will never have thoughts about Crocs. 

Mx. Stuzin: The Acrocalypse! Liberation and divine self-expression! 

Mr. Wang: Teachers should be able to do it, but students shouldn’t. I don’t want to wear Crocs; I just want the right to wear them on principle.

1. Should toilet paper hang over or under?

Mr. Simon: Over, because it’s usually over and it’s easier. 

Ms. Alonso: Let me see how I hold mine… over. It’s easier to find if it’s over. Under is harder. I didn’t used to care and I realized it’s much easier if it’s over. 

Mr. Moran: Over. If you pull it under, it’ll rip; if it’s over, it’ll just roll immediately. 

Mr. Bologna: Under. What difference does it make? 

Mr. Rubinstein appears in passing. Mr. Moran and Mr. Bologna, in evident disagreement, ask for his third and very imperative opinion. 

Mr. Rubinstein: Over. 

He then leaves.

Mr. Moran: He’s a math teacher; he knows what he’s doing with all the calculations.

Ms. Pohan: Finally, an issue of grave importance. OVER! Why should I have to chase it under and around the back? Don’t make me work harder than I have to. 

Mx. Stuzin: The main problem is when the toilet paper gets stuck to the roll and you have to spin the roll in an attempt to free it. The secondary problem is toilet paper with too few plies. My best advice: wash your hands.

Mr. Wang: Well, it’s been sanitarily proven it should be over, or else the toilet paper rolls all over the floor. I’m a man of science and logic.