Six Tips to Help You Get Through APs!

Disclaimer: These tips may involve risk of legal action, severe injury (physical and mental), and death. All parties involved in the writing and publication of these tips are hereby not liable for any consequences that may arise as a result of acting on these tips.

Around this time of year, the average Stuy student experiences what we call the “frenzy.” The total time students voluntarily spend outdoors dips from 18 minutes per week to a mere 12. Red Bull purchases from nearby delis spike to 477 percent. What could be causing this? Well, it's the season—not this ridiculously cold spring weather, but AP exam season, when everyone suffers over college-level tests and prepares for the wrath of disappointed parents. We know you're nervous and stressed (not us, though), but we can help these feelings go away. Here are a few simple remedies to ensure the best possible score on your APs.

1. Hire a substitute

Being a Stuyvesant student can be quite stressful because of high expectations, even though you are grossly incapable of living up to those standards. But look on the bright side: there are tons of people who are really smart and deserve more respect than you do, and these people are usually really greedy. Pay them! Most would do it for a boba. Hook them up with your name, address, OSIS, social security number, credit card information, mother’s maiden name, 23AndMe ancestry results, and the name of your childhood pet. Maybe buy a wig if you really care, and ship them off to an AP testing facility near you. This way, you get to stay home and stuff your face full of Cheeto puffs while they slave away at the test. Your future success is guaranteed!

2. Only study

Literally. Don't leave your house. When you eat breakfast, study Lewis structures. For lunch, how about a nice plateful of the Second World War? Cut yourself off from any human-to-human tactile contact or communication. And remember: sleep is for the weak, while all-nighters are for the fighters. If this is the tip you choose to follow, I don't want to smell your foul scent anywhere on the Stuyvesant campus or anywhere other than the studying spot of your choosing. I will be checking.

3. Try to negotiate with the College Board

You know how you can sometimes deliberate with your teachers and get higher grades on assignments if you feel that you unfairly lost points? Luckily for you, the same principle applies to the College Board! Show up to a College Board office, like the one conveniently located at 250 Vesey Street, New York, NY, 10281, and fight them with words (and fists, if necessary) until they restore your rightful score of a five. Don’t worry, security guards and police intervention are just there to test your dedication.

4. Pass by catastrophe

This one is a major risk but has a huge payoff if you can manage it. For those who don’t know, “pass by catastrophe” describes a group of legends with the same premise: if a terrible misfortune happens to befall a student body, the remaining survivors are rewarded. Some stories under this category say that if someone dies or a natural disaster occurs during an exam, the remaining students automatically pass. Of course, this is just a story, but there’s really only one way to figure out whether it’s true or not… just make sure that you’re one of the handful of survivors.

5. Don’t take it!

This is the most foolproof way to guarantee you won’t bomb your AP exams: just don’t take them. You may lose over $100 to the “non-profit” organization in charge of APs if you pull out at the last minute, but think of the weight that would be lifted off your shoulders! It would definitely be worth it. Some people might say that you’ll never succeed if you don’t try, but I say you’ll never fail either.

6. Fail in style

And finally, if all other options prove to be futile, accept your fate with your head held high. Walk into that testing room with the exaggerated swagger of a Stuy kid. Insult some proctors and put plastic water bottles into the trash can instead of the recycling bin. Later, write a blog post about how flawed the American education system is and get boatloads of upvotes. Then, create a successful career for yourself as an author writing books about boring schooling stuff like “rejecting the path those have set for you without your permission.” While you’re at it, throw in some TED Talks about the destructive nature of capitalism.

Whether you use one, two, or all six of these tips, you are guaranteed to do well on your AP exams! Try them out and see how it goes. If you still don’t do well after reading this, something is seriously wrong with you. Best of luck, AP students!