Snooping in the Lab Gone Wrong: Students Find Santa’s Reindeer Hidden Away

The biology department has seemingly gotten bored of frogs and moved on to new victims. Last week, several students, including sophomore Richard Kim, began exploring the lab rooms. The students picked the lock to a room using a paperclip and entered for purely innocent reasons. Upon first glance, everything seemed ordinary. After a careful search involving the throwing of boxes, they found a package labeled “FRAGILE—LIVE ANIMAL.” What they found inside was absolutely shocking.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Kim. “I thought it was just one of the many whale specimens the department keeps stowed away, until I noticed that signature red nose. It was Rudolph!” The other students confirmed that the biology department had in fact, managed to get their hands on one of Santa’s precious reindeer and performed a dissection. The reason for the biology department’s possession of this famous animal is unknown, but some students think they know the answer.

“It all makes sense now,” Kim said. “Obviously, Santa can’t deliver any of his presents without them.It was all a plot to make sure we would spend our entire break writing 2500 word essays about the mating patterns of Cucumis Sativus instead of being festive and opening Christmas presents. As for the dissection, that’s just the biology department being the biology department.”

The students had a funeral for the poor reindeer, burning a pyre in Battery Park. However, the occurrence only brings up the question of what else the biology department has in store. According to Kim, it is hypothesized that the department could even kidnap Santa Claus or genetically manufacture a Grinch. The biology department will be under scrutiny during the following weeks by the Student Union, which has realized their Christmas tree and future celebrations may fall under threat.